


Don’t Give Up On Me

by Witch_of_agnesi



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Army, Blow Jobs, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotions, Fluff and Smut, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Military
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:42:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25240324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Witch_of_agnesi/pseuds/Witch_of_agnesi
Summary: What about if Callum had to go back to the Army?Ben’s in Walford, Callum’s in Iraq, they’re deeply in love but separated by miles of distance between them.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 77
Kudos: 199





	1. I’ll wait for you

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to start posting this alongside my rather more fluffy teachers fic. 
> 
> It’s set in two time frames, present day and the start of their relationship and I’ve played around fast and hard with canon to make it fit in with the story. So Callum never was with Whitney but there are scenes from canon which I try to describe from their POV.
> 
> Not sure how well it works, but I like the idea behind it so I’m giving it a go!
> 
> I don’t know how to tag this really without spoiling things, sorry if I miss anything out.

**2020**

It’s just a typical Sunday afternoon. They’re at home, which is currently the Beale’s house, mainly because Ben can’t stand to be around Phil at the moment and even Ian seems like a better bet. There’s also a lot of people around and that helps keep him occupied, stops him from worrying too much. Lexi’s in the living room, watching some Disney movie, singing and twirling around in the middle of the room, giggling and laughing. Ben’s mum, Kathy, is sitting on the sofa, pretending to read a book but really watching Lexi, singing along under her breath to the songs. Lola’s in the kitchen, making their dinner, or, at least, putting chips and fish fingers in the oven and pretending she’s more masterchef than frozen dinner lady. Bobby’s somewhere upstairs, Ian’s at work. Jay’s sitting next to him at the dining table, paperwork for the Car Lot strewn around them, pouring over the figures to make sure things are looking OK for their business and making plans for the future. It’s just a typical Sunday afternoon, until Ben’s tablet suddenly starts to ping with the familiar tone of an incoming video call and all of a sudden it’s not just a typical Sunday afternoon.

There’s only one person who would be video calling at dinner time on a Sunday afternoon, someone who’s currently 3 hours ahead of them and who’s operating on an unpredictable schedule with absolutely awful internet.

It’s like everyone in the house suddenly stops what they’re doing and gravitates towards Ben and the dining table. Lexi screams for joy, so loud as she runs and jumps on his lap, Kathy stops pretending to read her book and rests her chin on her hand, Lola comes running in from the kitchen, there’s even the sound of floorboards creaking upstairs as Bobby comes out of his room. But Ben’s focus is solely on the screen in front of him as he presses the accept button and the screen is filled with the face of the man he adores.

Callum looks tired, shadows under his eyes and lines around his mouth that weren’t there when he left Walford, but the second he sees the group of people clustering around the tablet, his face breaks into the most beautiful smile and Ben has to physically grab hold of Lexi’s waist to stop himself from leaning forward and kissing the damn screen. The connection isn’t great, fuzzy edges and shuddering movements every now and again but it’s better than it’s been before and Ben both loves the fact that he’s calling and hates it, hates that he’s not sitting safe and sound with them, hates that he’s not in Ben’s bed every night.

“Callum, Callum!” Lexi screeches at the screen. “I got stage 9 in my reading this week! I made you a picture, do you want to see it? I can show you all my dance moves to Little Mix!”

Callum’s laughing by now, eyes twinkling. “I’d love to see them Lex, but I only have a few minutes and I’d like to talk to your Daddy first if that’s OK?”

Lola makes sure Callum can see her, waves at the screen and then drags Lexi into the kitchen out of the way. Jay, Kathy and Bobby call hello too but Ben doesn’t hear any of them, too concerned with picking up the tablet and getting to his room as soon as possible so he can spend as much time talking to his boyfriend as he can. He lies on his bed, props the tablet up on Callum’s pillow next to his head and just takes him in. Callum’s eyes have softened to the most beautiful ocean blue and his smile is the secretive one he wears only for Ben, the one Ben loves so much he has a photo on his phone lock screen of Callum wearing only it. “Sorry if I interrupted something,” he says.

“No, no you didn’t. Never,” Ben says, never meaning anything more. “How’s it going over there?”

“It’s ok, I’m counting down the weeks now until this tour ends and I can leave and come back to you,” Callum admits, scrubbing a hand over his face.

Ben hates this, hates that after everything Callum had to go back to the Army to do a final tour before he can leave and that he’s been deployed in Iraq, of all places, for the last five months. There’s only a month to go now and neither of them can wait.

“What are you up to this week?” Ben asks, even though talking about the army is not something he likes doing, it makes him feel anxious for the man he’s currently drinking in.

“Same old stuff,” Callum shrugs, “cooking in the mess, doing patrols, I’m out on active duty this week scouting for rebels.” He pauses and looks at Ben closely, his fingers twitch like he’s having to stop himself reaching out. “It’s perfectly safe, Ben, please don’t worry about me.”

“I always worry about you,” is all Ben says, not wanting to mention the sleepless nights, or worse, the nightmares he has about what happens to Callum when he’s out on duty.

Callum must know though, for his face contorts - although that may be to do with the rubbish connection, he’s starting to break up now and it’s breaking Ben’s heart - and he changes the subject. “Tell me about what’s going on in Walford,” he asks.

“You heard Lexi, she’s doing really well at school. Getting on well with her reading and numeracy, her teacher’s really pleased with her. Jay and Lo are getting on much better now that Peter’s moved out, they’re actually talking again and looking to the future so I think they’re going to be fine.”

“Ian?” Callum prompts and Ben groans.

“Seriously, you’ve called me up to talk about my brother?” he demands and Callum throws his head back and laughs and Ben just wants to take a screenshot of it regardless of the poor internet quality because he is so beautiful it hurts deep in his chest. “Ian’s being Ian as normal, babe, he’s campaigning to be a council member and he’s driving everyone mental. Wants me to be his token gay. I told him exactly where he could stick that, like, literally stick it. It didn’t go down too well, to be honest, and mum’s only just started speaking to me again. I told him you’d be a better poster boy when you get back.”

Callum’s still laughing, that fond look on his face that tells Ben he’s happy at this exact moment. “You know you shouldn’t wind him up, he’ll chuck you out if you’re not careful.”

“Nah,” Ben says, “he wouldn’t dare at the moment. Besides, when you get back I’ll be staying at your flat anyway, so he’s only got a month more to wait. Unless you want to stay here with me, we could wind him up some more, let him really get down with the gays, you know how loud you’re gonna be after six months with no sex.”

Callum shakes his head, tries to look like he’s frowning but fails as the smile still lingers on his lips. “You’ll get us both arrested for indecent behaviour,” he says, voice warm. “What about Bobby? How’s he doing?”

Ben knows Callum has a soft spot for Bobby, after saving his life a few months ago, he’s always kept a careful eye on his nephew. “He’s fine, he started therapy again last week but it’s making a difference already. I’m keeping a close eye on him, don’t worry.”

“Good,” Callum breathes and the connection starts really juddering, buffering so badly that he’s sticking and Ben wishes so much that he was here, with him, that it opens the gaping chasm in his chest that he tries to hide every single day. 

“I miss you,” it comes out before Ben can stop it, fluttering in the air between them. He tries to never say it, not wanting to make Callum feel bad for something he had no choice but to do, but it’s out there now and he can’t take it back.

Callum looks devastated, eyes shining with a film of tears. “I miss you too,” he whispers back, voice quiet and strained between them. A silence falls, both of them try to hide the raw emotion of that single moment when it’s broken, sharply, by a voice muffled off camera and Callum turns, head tilted as he listens. When he turns back to the screen, Ben knows he has to go.

“Duty calls, I’m so sorry. I’ll try to call next weekend if I can,” Callum explains and he looks so sad, so lonely that Ben almost can’t hide how he’s feeling. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Ben says, wishes he could say more to show Callum how deeply he feels, how important he is, how much he misses him. “I’ll speak to you soon baby. Stay safe.”

“You too,” Callum lingers, eyes tracking over Ben’s face for a few more seconds before he has to hang up, the screen fading back to black. Ben sits, alone on his bed, and gives in to the losing battle, tears running down his cheeks unchecked for a minute before he’s able to pull himself back together and head back downstairs.

It’s become this daily struggle in the last five months, he worries about Callum all the time, it’s always at the back of his mind. Every unexpected phone call or knock on the door has him in bits and pieces. He swore after Paul, after losing him in such a horrific way, that he wouldn’t let anyone else into his heart in the same way. But he hadn’t expected to meet Callum, to fall so deeply in love with him. And now he’s in this cycle of worry, elation when he gets to speak to his boyfriend and then deep bone crushing sadness every time they have to end the call. He understands Callum had no choice, that after his leg was fully healed he had to return to the Army to complete his tour, but it doesn’t make it any easier to cope. He’s counting down the days now, Lexi helps him to cross each date off in red on a calendar in the kitchen every single night.

Lola has kept his dinner warm for him, and they avoid conversation about Callum whilst eating. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk about his boyfriend, he’s so proud of what he’s doing, but the pain after speaking to him is evident and his family always gives him time to recover afterwards before they pile him with questions. Callum’s wormed his way into all of their hearts, sometimes Ben thinks they like him more than they do Ben himself, and they’re all worried about him too. 

After dinner he pops round to the flat to see Stuart. Callum’s older brother and himself have never really got on, somehow, having someone beat you up on Pride isn’t the best start to a friendship. But since Callum went back to the army they’ve come to an uneasy truce. Stuart is Callum’s next of kin, if anything happened to him then Stuart would be the first to know. But Stuart knows that if Callum only has time to make one phone call when he’s free, it’ll be Ben he calls. They both want the other to pass on information about the only thing they can agree on and so they talk, they keep each other updated. Stuart let Ben take some of Callum’s clothes when he first left so he had them in his room if he needed a reminder of his boyfriend and so Ben shares photos that Callum sends him, lets him know when Callum calls.

“Only five weeks to go,” Stuart says when Ben’s filled him in. “Then he’ll be back. D’ya think he’d like a party at the Vic?”

“I think he’d hate it,” Ben admits, never able to soften his words or opinions and he hears Rainie stifle a laugh from the dining table.

That night he pulls up the latest photos Callum sent him, looks back over the story of their whole relationship, letting his fingers trace over the face on the screen in front of him. Five more weeks then he’ll be back here, back in Ben’s arms, finished with the army for good. They’re going to be the longest five weeks in Ben’s life, but at least he knows the end is coming. He can’t wait.


	2. It was enchanting to meet you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum meet for the first time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is at the start of their relationship, so it’s set in the past with regards to tge last chapter.  
> There’s some familiar scenes, I’ve changed them to fit so I hope it works OK. Thanks to Eastenders for some great dialogue that needed to be included!

It was a chilly April day, the day they first met, but it was completely normal, like the world had forgotten to tell him it was about to change his life totally. Ben had finally managed to convince Lola to come back to Walford with Lexi to help him fleece his father, the man who’d never given him any validation in his life and who didn’t seem to love him, to want him as a son. Ben had spent so much of his life wishing things were different but he had come to the realisation sometime over the past year that his dad was never going to change, so he made his mind up that he was going to do whatever it took to make him see that Ben was worthwhile, was worth the hassle, even if that meant destroying him. It took him a while to convince Lola to uproot Lexi and return to London, but they were there now and settled and his dad was so pleased to see Lexi, it hadn’t even dawned on him that there may be an ulterior motive behind the move. 

The biggest issue at the moment in time was Jay. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Jay, they were brothers, of course he liked him, but more like he had started to cause problems with Lola, distracting her from the plan. “I still love him,” Lola said, “and I’m planning on spending time with him, so deal with it.”

So on the day in question, Ben had decided to organise a pub outing with the two of them, figuring if he was there he could keep a close eye on them both, maybe try to get Lola to move on by repeatedly talking about Jay’s current girlfriend Ruby. Lola and Jay were already at the bar when he turned up and he pushed in between them, throwing his arms around each of their shoulders to physically keep them apart. “The gang’s all here!” he called loudly.

Jay rolled his eyes, “do you want a drink Ben?” he asked, gesturing for the barman to come over.

Ben looked up at the man who was approaching, someone he’d never seen before and felt the familiar fluttering of attraction in his belly. He was gorgeous, tall, large hands that Ben could just imagine on his body, beautiful wide blue eyes. “Ben Mitchell,” he introduced himself, wondering if this guy was gay, if he was single, if he’d be up for a one night stand.

“Callum Highway,” he shook Ben’s hand, his palm rough and calloused against Ben’s own. 

“I’ve not seen you behind the bar here before,” Ben said, leaning forward to watch as Callum poured him a pint.

“I’m only helping Mick out for a while. I’m back home from the Army, just need something to do until I go back,” Callum explained.

An army man as well, Ben could feel his stomach starting to twist even more but he pushed it down firmly. One night stands were all he was interested in, nothing more, no distractions from his plan. He nodded his head down to the other end of the bar where another punter was waiting. “Better hop off, Kermit,” he said, noticing the half amused, half confused look Callum sent him as he moved off.

Ben joined Jay and Lola at a table, to find them both shaking their heads at him. “What?” he demanded, throwing his hands up innocently.

“Callum’s a good guy,” Jay told him, with disapproval clear on his face. “Don’t start winding him up.”

“As if I would,” Ben scoffed, trying to hide the fact that his eyes were drawn over to the tall figure at the other end of the bar. “How’d you know him anyway?”

“He’s been helping Mick out for a few weeks now but he was here around a year ago, in between his Army stints. Not sure why he’s back now, he’s not said, but he does the pub quiz with me and Rubes, hangs out with us a bit.” Jay paused, leant in a bit as if to stop anyone from overhearing. “Ben, his brother is Stuart Highway.”

Ben did look properly then, at how Callum was smiling and laughing, and he couldn’t believe it. Stuart Highway, ruffian, try-to-be-hard-man with no clue, idiot extraordinaire and this literal ray of sunshine was his brother? He scoffed at Jay. “No way, bruv,” he said, “he can’t be.”

“He is. Completely different to Stuart though. You should come to the next quiz, see for yourself.”

So that was how Ben found himself at the next quiz night as part of Jay’s team. He wasn’t even sure if it was worth it, he hated quizzes with a passion but curiosity won out and both he and Lola ended up there. At least he could have a few pints whilst checking out the view. 

And Callum was exactly how Jay had described him, funny, sweet, lovely, exactly the kind of boy it seemed Ben liked. The hour they spent huddled around the table was the highlight of his week, listening to Jay and Callum argue over which footballer had won the 1996 Footballer of the Year (Callum was correct, obviously), haggling with Ruby over the last winner of the Tony Award for Best Musical (Ben was right this time) and watching Callum out of the corner of his eye. He was even more stunning when up close, waving those large hands around as he got more and more animated, a beautiful sunshine smile lighting up his face. Ben had to keep shaking himself to stop looking over at him, he had a plan in Walford and it wasn't going to be derailed by Mr Wonderful. When Callum had popped to the loo, he leant closer to Jay. “Are you sure he’s Stuart’s brother?” he asked, in disbelief.

“See, I told you they were nothing alike. Callum’s the black sheep of the family, although I’d rather have him than either Stuart or his dreadful father. Seriously Ben, Jonno makes Phil look like a pussy cat.”

Somehow Callum got into Ben’s head. He was friendly with Jay and that meant by extension, he became friends with Ben too. And the more Ben got to know him the more he wanted to spend time with him. It seemed Ben had a type and Callum fell right into that category, lovely, sweet, smart, charming, innocent. It didn’t help that they spent loads of time together, Ben and Jay popping into the Vic almost everyday for a catch up, Callum sometimes sitting with them, other times still helping Mick out but letting them sit up at the bar and chatting to them all night. The quiz night became a weekly occurrence and Ben even found himself swotting up on random facts to try to impress the elder man. He’d even started forgetting about the big plan behind his return to Walford as he spent more and more time thinking about Callum Highway. It was frustrating because Ben knew nothing about his preferences. There’d been some tension one quiz night when Ruby and Lola had teased him about finding him a nice girl to shack up with whilst he was in Walford and it was the only time Ben had seen Callum ruffled at all. He’d shut the notion down firmly, stating he wasn’t interested in anyone and then had sat quietly nursing a pint for the rest of the night. If Ben had thought he was gay, he may have tried something, if only to get rid of the itch of being around him, but he wasn’t about to do anything if he wasn’t sure because damn it, this was Callum, and he liked him. And the more he got to know Callum the louder and more frequent the thoughts and the itch became. To drown them out, he threw himself harder and harder into one night stands, finding random men on apps he’d downloaded and making it a point to display marks they’d left on his body when he knew Callum would be around.

It all came to a head one Saturday night when they were all out at the Prince Albert. Ben was on the pull, trying to avoid the blue eyes that he could feel were fixed on his back. Callum was unusually solemn that night, not drinking a lot and glowering at Ben as he flirted his way around the bar, ending up snogging a random boy in the corner directly opposite the table that the others were sitting at. When he staggered back over to them, he could see Callum was annoyed, arms folded, eyes cold. “What?” he demanded, suddenly irritated by the judgement, “does it bother you that much to see two men kissing?”

Callum said nothing, but his face fell and he stood up and almost ran into the toilets. Feeling guilty, even though that was irrational and he had nothing to actually be guilty about, Ben followed him in, wanting to let out some of the frustration he felt. They were luckily the only two people in there and he started yelling the minute he walked in. “Seriously, what is your problem? Being gay is normal, you don’t have to be so fucking judgmental!”

Callum spun around and he was angry, fire burning in his eyes. “You’re my problem, not what you get up to!” he shouted back and then he charged at Ben. For a second he was expecting a blow to the chin or nose, but Callum grabbed his jacket lapels and shoved him hard against the wall. There was a moment where they both pressed against each other, hips meeting firmly as Ben hit the wall. Callum didn’t let him go, fist still screwed up in his jacket and body against Ben’s. And it was then that he felt it. Callum’s cock, hard in his jeans, pressed against his own. There was a moment's hesitation as he looked down, and then back up at Callum, mouth dropping open at the look of shock, of surprise, of guilt on the older man's face. He saw himself in Callum in that instance - scared to admit feelings for men because of his past, guilt for hiding away his true self, loathing himself because he wasn’t being honest. It hit Ben in the chest, that this beautiful man was going through something like this on his own. He wanted to help, wanted to be there for him more than anything, but his head was screaming about what this would mean for his plan, for the long term. Because Callum wasn’t just a random hook up, he was Callum and this would mean so much to Ben that even he was currently prepared to admit. 

Of course, in the end his head won out, it always did. Callum was still gripping him, so close, their dicks still pushed together, his eyes wide and wild. And Ben, he tilted his head back against the wall, letting his breathing get louder and heavier until he could look Callum in the eyes and whispered, “I smell queer.”

The response was immediate, Callum let go of him and took two staggering steps backwards, face tortured, eyes filling with fear and tears. And Ben still couldn’t stop. 

“I understand, I’ve been there myself…”

“Shut up!” Callums voice was full of tears, shaky.

“You like blokes!”

“No, I don’t,” Callum insisted, hand rubbing over his face like he could block it all out. “I ain’t nothing like that, you’ve got it wrong. I've had girlfriends!”

“And I’ve got a daughter!” Ben couldn’t resist winding him up, knowing he was getting in too deep but unable to stop because it was better for Callum to be apart from someone like him. “So what? You like blokes. I bet you love the Army, all those hotties, communal showers, all that pent up testosterone, I bet you’re very popular!”

“Stop it!” Callum cried out, and he jerked forwards, fist raised before catching himself. “No, I’m not like him,” he said quieter, almost to himself and he raised his eyes to Ben who was waiting for the punch, knew he’d deserved it for his horrible goading. Callum swallowed heavily and Ben could see the emotions in his eyes, the single tear that was tracing down his cheek and he was suddenly, horrifically sorry for what had just happened. He liked Callum, liked him too much, and this was what he always did, destroy the people he liked. Callum was better off now, without him. He said nothing, made sure he had a look of disdain in his face and Callum made a sound that cut him straight to the heart and ran out of the toilet. He was gone when Ben pulled himself together enough to follow him out.

It hurt to have done that, more than he’d ever admit to himself. Callum’s too good for me, he kept on repeating to himself, he’s better off without me. But it was hard to keep that mantra going when he still saw Callum around the square. It was the first time since he’d been back in Walford that he hadn’t really spoken to Callum for a long period of time and he missed it so much. Callum had wormed his way into Ben’s heart and he was finding it difficult to let him go, especially as when he did see him at the Vic (working so he didn’t have to sit with him and Jay) he was pale with large bruises under his eyes. He didn’t turn up for the quiz that week either, and Ben was worried enough to ask Jay what was going on. Jay shrugged, “I dunno, he’s been strange all week. But Stuart did say to Billy that their dad was back sniffing around and that would be enough to throw anyone out of sync.”

“What is it with his dad?” Ben asked.

“Jonno is the most disgusting man I’ve ever met, bruv. When he was here last time he was always putting Callum down, saying he was soft, making him feel like he was inferior because he wasn’t married. He’s also the most homophobic jerk I’ve ever heard, it’s no wonder Stuart has the opinions he does you know. Callum tried to stand up to him, but he was completely disregarded. It was awful, mate, I felt so sorry for him. I think that was why he signed up to the Army again, just to get away from them”

This resonated so strongly with Ben that he spent the next day thinking and thinking about it. He liked Callum a lot, he’d convinced himself he didn’t want him, but it was obvious that was a lie. None of his hookups had caught his eye in weeks, the only person he could think about was Callum and he’d even stopped working on the plan to fleece Phil. He’d been through the same journey as Callum years ago, trying to deny his true feelings for men, being scared of how his dad and family were going to react. He knew what Callum must have been feeling. And if both his father and his brother were homophobic and had said that sort of stuff to him all his life, it was no wonder he’d reacted the way he did when Ben had outed him. Add to that that Callum had worked his way inside Ben’s heart and he had no choice but to try to talk to him.

He had an idea that weekend, Ruby had just bought the club on Albert Square and was planning a huge reopening night special. It didn’t take much to persuade Jay to go, invite Lola and get the two of them to convince Callum he needed a night out. The four of them met in the Vic first, Callum was still avoiding his eyes but after a few drinks he was calmer, so when they got inside E20, it was easy for Ben to corner him at the bar whilst Jay, Ruby and Lola sat in a booth, drinking and giggling.

“I,” he started and held up a hand as Callum made to walk away. “Please?”

Callum looked at him, and Ben could see how much strain he was under, he took a deep breath and forced himself to push the words he’d rehearsed out. “I’m sorry. About the other week. I didn’t mean to wind you up so much. But I see you and the thing is, you see me and that scares me. I can put on a front but you see right through it.” He paused, tilting his head towards the elder man, noticing how intently he was watching him. “I’d never out you, you know. It’s stupid, I’d never mess around with that. And I know it ain’t easy and it’s lonely and no one can rush you. But you gotta realise you can lie to everyone but you can’t lie to yourself. It will rip you apart. Whatever your head is telling you, you’ve gotta listen to your heart.”

Callum looked over at him once he’d finished speaking, voice low and quiet. “Why are you so bothered about me?” he asked.

Ben realised Callum had no idea of how he felt about him, had no idea that to Ben he was perfect. “Why’d you think?” he said in the same soft tone.

He left Callum alone, giving him time to absorb the words Ben had said, the first vulnerable honesty he’d actually shown anyone since Paul. It took a while for Callum to sit down but when he did he seemed better than he had all week, a little lighter, although his shoulders were still tense.

But when Ben went back to the bar, his phone pinged with a text.  _ Meet me at the park in 10 mins. C _

He noticed Callum watching him from over the bar, face unreadable, but eyes locked on him. With a small nod, he left E20 and made his way over to the playground, sitting on a swing, waiting for Callum.

It took slightly more than 10 minutes for Callum to appear, standing as far away from Ben as possible, half in the shadows, the lamplight casting half his face in an almost ethereal glow. “You took your time,” Ben greeted him with.

“You wound me up, you ignored me all week, then you tell me that tonight? What do you expect? I just want you to go, to leave me alone. I just want to hit you to shut you up so this all ends.”

Ben pushed off the wall, walked closer to Callum. “You wouldn’t,” he said confidently, “because you’re nothing like your father. But hit me if it makes you feel better. Go on, hit me, make me shut up, make me go. You wouldn’t be the first. So if it’s gonna make you feel better, hit me.”

Ben moved closer but there was a sudden silence, only broken by the loud sounds of breathing. Then Callum gulped, his face turned towards Ben in the shadows, his eyes full of tears. “I’ve got a career, I’ve got a flat, I’ve got friends, I’ve got everything, so why do I feel so lonely,” he said, voice cracking over the words, a tear falling down his cheek and Ben just hurt, his heart full and aching for this beautiful boy in front of him. “I’m so tired of feeling lonely.”

Silence fell again between them as Ben stepped even closer, Callum’s broken sobs and hitching breath the only noise they were making against the backdrop of inner city London. Ben reached out with his left hand, letting his palm cradle Callum’s cheek, his thumb gently stroking the tears away. There was a second where they just stared at each other, eyes locked, and then Callum slowly slowly leant in.

Ben wasn’t going to do anything, he needed Callum to be the one that initiated it, but he wanted it so badly. As Callum moved in, he tilted his face upwards, closing his eyes, letting his fingers caress the cheek he was still cradling, showing this was what he wanted. When Callum kissed him, everything stopped, the noise of dogs barking, of sirens, faded into nothing, he was almost sure the world had stopped spinning. The kiss was short, just a press of lips against lips, but it made Ben’s heart stutter and then start pounding erratically in his chest. He’d not been kissed like that for years, with meaning and intent behind it, by someone he genuinely liked. Callum pulled back, just staring at him and Ben let his eyes flutter open and his mouth part as he stared back. And then Callum pushed back in.

These kisses were nothing like their sweet first one. Hard, biting, open mouthed, hot, Ben drifted his other hand up to Callum’s face as he let guttural moans spill out of his mouth. Callum was licking into his mouth, hands first on Ben’s face as he pulled him closer, closer, then trying to undo his jacket zip, then back on his face. Ben could feel his cock, hard and hot, pressed up against his own and he rolled his hips experimentally, drawing a noise from Callum he was sure no one had ever heard before. After that, it was just a blur, Ben’s hands dropping to Callum’s hips, trying to undo his zipper as he pushed him back against the bench, Callum’s hands undoing his jacket and sliding his shirt upwards, getting skin on skin, fingers fumbling with Ben’s trouser zip too. The kisses never stopped, Ben never wanted them to stop but he had to ask. “You sure?” He whispered in between kisses, the tenderness of his question at odds to what they were doing.

Callum’s eyes were wild, pupils dilated, but he nodded. “Yes,” he whispered back, voice husky and deep and that made Ben groan even louder. He wanted to take this somewhere else, somewhere more comfortable than a bench in the local kids playground but he couldn’t stop, didn’t want to stop.

He got Callum’s jeans and boxers down to his mid thighs and then sank to the ground on his own knees, knowing this was the first time Callum would have experienced a blow job from a man. He wanted to make it good but he also didn’t know how long he’d last. He dropped a butterfly kiss to the very tip of Callum’s dick, eyes upwards to check the reaction and as Callum looked down at him, a moan on his lips and his fingers in Ben’s hair, he immediately took him in as deep as he could. He held Callum in his throat until he felt the tremble through his legs and then he started to move, sliding his mouth and tongue up and down the shaft in a hard, fast rhythm. He let his right hand drop around and took Callum’s balls in his palm, watching as the man above him started to fall apart. When he let the fingers of that same hand drift backwards, skirt around Callum’s rim, the older man choked, “Ben, Ben, I’m close.”

“Good, that was the plan here,” Ben popped off his cock to say, fondling his balls again with his other hand, tracing his rim still, and he deepthroated him, Callum’s cock sliding into his throat, swallowing hard around him. With the three way stimulation, Callum had no chance, and with a delicious sound and quivering limbs, he was coming, shooting down Ben’s throat in three earth shattering pulses. Ben swallowed around him, taking it all in before pulling off slowly, moving his hands away from Callum’s body. Callum was a mess above him, all loose limbed and soft edges, and Ben was so hard in his jeans it hurt. When Callum pulled him up roughly and kissed him again, sucking on his tongue and nipping at his lips he had no choice but to moan into his mouth. Callum slid his hand down between them, got Ben’s jeans and boxers down as well and let his fingers curl around Ben’s hard cock. “This OK?” he asked as he ran them down the vein on his shaft, up the other side, pressing down over the slit as he slid the pre come around on his fingertips to make things easier. 

“Yes, god, yes,” Ben groaned and at that Callum kissed him again whilst he jacked him off, letting Ben fuck into his fist as he caught his thumb under the head, cupping Ben’s balls, fast and slick. It didn’t take long for Ben to come, his orgasm catching him almost by surprise, white hot and fast. He shouldn’t have been surprised really, he’d been crushing on Callum for weeks now and this was every fantasy come true.

It took a while for them both to realise what they were doing, in a child’s park with both of their boxers around their thighs, kissing each other slowly and deeply. Eventually they stopped, pulled up their trousers and tried to make themselves more presentable. Ben still couldn’t believe what had happened but he knew he wanted it to carry on. “Do you want to come back to mine? We can sneak in and I’ll sneak you out before the morning, I just want to spend some time with you, we don’t have to have sex or anything.”

Callum pulled him closer, let his fingers pull through Ben’s hair softly. “OK,” he said.

They didn’t sleep, talking in whispers and kissing all night, deciding that this was something they both wanted but that it would have to be a secret for a while - Callum was not ready to announce he was gay yet, but Ben was just happy to be with him.

They did have sex again, in the morning before Callum left, hand jobs under the covers, muffling each other’s moans as they came in tandem, and Ben had never felt happier in his life.


	3. No matter what this world will throw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m still not sure how to tag this, sorry
> 
> Ben gets some news....

**2020**

It’s a week after the last video call, 7 more days crossed off the calendar, and they’ve decided to take Lexi to the zoo. She’s been asking for weeks to go and they’ve put her off, with bad weather and crowds of tourists, the zoo is quite possibly the worst nightmare Ben can imagine. But she’s been so good at school this week that they caved in and agreed and so they’re now getting ready to go. Jay’s finishing zipping up her jacket, Lola’s sorting out their picnic. Ben’s checking the weather on his phone. “We should be OK, it’s not going to rain until this evening,” he says to Jay, who grunts in response.

“I never trust those stupid apps,” he replies, “I’m still planning on taking my rain coat and umbrella. You should too, that hoodie will never keep you warm if it rains.”

Ben looks down at himself, he’s wearing Callum’s grey hoodie, his favourite item of clothing. It no longer smells like Callum but wearing it makes Ben feel close to him. It’s slightly too big for him, the sleeves hanging down past his fingertips, the bottom halfway down his thighs, but he doesn’t mind. He shrugs at Jay, “I’ll risk it bruv, at least this way Callum’s also with us today.”

Jay rolls his eyes as he sits back on his heels, stroking Lexi’s hair with his fingers and sending her towards the kitchen. “You’re soft, Ben,” he says and Ben can’t find it in himself to mind the teasing anymore. He is soft for Callum, he knows that and can’t deny it.

Everything seems fine, they’re almost ready to go and then all of a sudden there’s a knock on the door. It could be the postman, it could be the window cleaner, it could be anyone in the entire world but Ben freezes, phone dropping to the table in front of him, fingers gripping the chair back in front of him. He’s always like this when an unexpected knock comes, always relieved when it turns out to be nothing, but today feels different. He can’t explain it. Lola comes out of the kitchen, leaving Lexi chattering about what yoghurt she wants to take with them, her eyes wide, and Jay, with a look at both of them, goes to answer the door. It seems like ages until he comes back and when he does Ben knows. He just knows.

Jay’s gone pale, his mouth slightly open and he’s breathing funny. He swallows hard as he looks at Ben. The world narrows down, all Ben can hear is the word no repeated in his head. No, no, no, no. Jay’s saying something but he can’t hear it. Behind him, Stuart and Rainie shuffle into the living room. Rainie is clutching Suart’s arm like it's the only thing keeping him up, her face pale and eyes full of tears. She’s not crying, she’s being brave for Stuart who is quite clearly falling apart. Stuart’s face is ashen, broken, his eyes dull and he’s clutching a piece of pink paper that in one moment destroys Ben’s world.

He’s vaguely aware of Lola, touching his arm briefly and then leaving, taking Lexi out of the back door to avoid them. Jay moves so he’s next to Ben, his arm coming around his shoulders, supporting him. Ben’s fingers are white on the chair back, he’s holding on so tight. They’re talking, he can make out the buzz of words but all he can hear is no, no, no, no on repeat. This can’t be happening. He only had four weeks to go. This can’t be happening. He hears odd words, something about a liaison officer, something about Wednesday, something about a bomb, nothing makes sense. Stuart’s still watching him, he’s also silent and for the first time Ben meets his eyes full on. He looks how Ben feels. He moves forward, towards the dining table and slides the piece of paper over towards Ben. 

There’s a noise at the door and he looks up, from the pink rectangle that has changed his life in the last few minutes to see his mum running in. Her face is drawn, worried, concerned and she pushes past everyone to grab him. “Ben,” she says, voice cracking. “Oh, Ben, my baby,” and she pulls him into her arms.

Before he lets himself go, he reads the top of the piece of paper that Stuart has pushed over to him. Name, it reads in bold letters, Callum Highway. Status: Missing in Action

His skin is cold, his legs shaking and all he can see is that piece of paper with the words Missing in Action floating around and around in front of his eyes. Stuart and Rainie have left, they’ve been replaced by a pleasant looking woman, Charlotte he thinks she was introduced to him as, who is his liaison officer. It would make him laugh if he wasn’t so numb, he, Ben Mitchell, one of the most wanted, hardened men in Walford, has a liaison officer. It’s like something out of a story. But it’s anything but a fairytale.

His mum explains to this Charlotte woman that Lola sprinted into the cafe, leaving Lexi outside and told her that something was happening and she just ran straight out to get to him but Ben can’t even look at her, eyes drawn again and again to the paper Stuart’s left behind, unable to comprehend what’s going on beyond Callum, Callum, Callum.

They’re talking, his mum and Charlotte, in hushed voices, about Callum like he’s gone for good, like the paper says he’s not coming back. “He’s not dead,” he forces himself to say, glowering at them.

“Ben, you have to prepare yourself for the worst news,” Charlotte says gently. “It’s not easy, I know, but you have to be ready.”

He ignores that part, because Callum promised he’d always come home so it’s not true, it can’t be true. “What happened?” he asks instead, although one part of him doesn’t want to have any idea of what went on, he also simultaneously needs to know. 

“The truck Callum and his squad were in was targeted by a rebel cell and bombed. When the truck was reached there was no sign of anybody, alive or dead,” she says, as gently as possible considering the news she’s saying.

“He’s not dead,” Ben repeats stubbornly, louder, but he feels sick, like he’s about to throw up everything from his stomach and it’s half a statement, half a question.

“They’re still looking, scouring the area, seeing if any of the locals have taken them in,” Charlotte's voice is calm. “But you have to prepare yourself for if the rebels have taken them, what would happen if any of them were still alive.”

Ben blocks out the rest of what she’s saying, he knows what they would do to a live British soldier and there’s a part of him that wishes that if that’s Callum’s fate that he was dead. She’s still talking but Ben can’t listen, fingers tracing over Callum’s name on the top of that awful piece of paper. Jay puts a cup of tea on the table and sits next to him, forcing him to drink it, so sugary he feels sick again. He’s full on shaking by now, fingers trembling as they hold the cup close.

Kathy has shown Charlotte out, there’s nothing she can do right now, she’s left her phone number so they can contact her if they need her in an emergency and she’ll be back to see him everyday until this whole mess is sorted. Kathy comes and kneels down in front of Ben again, pulls him close to her chest. “He’ll be OK, Ben, he’s a fighter,” she says, stroking his hair.

“Oh, fuck, mum,” he cries, “this can’t be happenining, this can’t happen, not Callum.”

“He’ll be fine. He has to be. We don’t know anything for sure yet,” she's rocking him like he’s Lexi’s age and he can’t, he just can’t. He can’t stop thinking about the last video call, all the ones before that, how excited Callum had been about coming home to him, to their family. And now he doesn’t know when, or if, that will ever happen


	4. What have you done today to make you feel proud?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben’s thinking back on the key points in their relationship following what’s going on in real time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My take on their relationship between the Bobby story line and Callum coming out.  
> This is all from Ben’s POV, looking back on their relationship following the news he’s received in 2020 so some things are skipped out or not mentioned or diverge from canon to fit in with what I wanted to happen.

They had been seeing each other in secret for a while, clandestine meetings during the day at work (Callum was doing some work for Jay in the funeral parlour, Ben had never seen a black suit hug someone as much as Callum’s did), Callum sneaking into his bed practically every night and leaving just before sunrise. They’d not gone any further than blow jobs under the covers and hand jobs, Ben knew that Callum wasn’t ready for anything else yet if he couldn’t even fully admit he was gay, but it was enough, at this moment in time. The excitement, the butterflies in his stomach whenever he saw the older man, being able to sneak off for kisses in the toilets when they were out in the pub or at the club, it had all accumulated into something that was uniquely Callum. He was so special to Ben, even now, and those stolen secret moments when they lay curled together under the duvet, trading kisses and conversations into sweat soaked skin were the best moments of his life.

Of course, he was Ben Mitchell and life always seemed to hit him hard. Although this time it was Callum’s older brother doing the hitting, on Pride as well. He'd spent the day with Callum - even though not officially, Callum had been roped into helping Kathy out and Ben had spent the day sitting where he could watch him from afar, wishing more than anything that they could be open and honest about what was going on between them. After he’d finished, Callum sent Ben a sweet smile and left, leaving Ben knowing he’d see him later that night when he’d be sneaking into his bed. Ben had enjoyed himself for the rest of the night, Pride was one of the highlights of his year, normally he’d be off after some totty, having a great time partying in the streets. But this year a tall, beautiful man had his heart and he found himself in the Arches alone, waiting for a suitable time to go and see his man. 

It was there that Stuart found him. Stuart Highway the thug, so different from his sunshiney younger brother, Ben had already had run-ins with him before. But not like this, when he went hell for leather on beating Ben up, on the very day he should be celebrating. He wasn’t ashamed and he wasn’t going to say anything that might make things bad for Callum so he kept his mouth closed, his chin up and took it all.

When he came to he was alone, lying on the ground, hurting all over. Ribs, back, stomach, face, it was so much he wished he was asleep again.

It was all a bit disjointed then, darkness kept wafting over him but there were pockets of lucidity, soft hands, gentle fingers, an arm wrapped around his waist as he was walked over the square and warm lips on his body as he was cleaned up and looked after. He tried to speak but couldn’t make any sound, and a beautiful voice whispered, “it’s ok, I’m here, you’re safe,” as he was pulled back under. The only thing he knew was how protected he felt, maybe he was dead, maybe he had a guardian angel looking after him.

It was light when he finally opened his eyes and shut them straight away with a groan. He hurt. His head ached, his ribs were sore, his face felt like a bulldozer had run over it. And he couldn’t move, an arm tight around his waist, hand splayed on his chest. He kept his eyes closed and just felt. Callum. Tucked in close behind him, chest to his back, knees bent tight behind his, pressed against the full length of his body, arm wrapped around him protectively, lips pressed against the nape of his neck, snoring lightly. Ben tried not to wake him as he flailed around in the bed, trying to turn without hurting his ribs anymore and failing dismally. A loud gasp of pain escaped his lips as he struggled to move and Callum woke with a jerk. “Hey, hey, what are you doing?” he asked as he helped Ben to turn so they were face to face.

“You’re here,” Ben whispered, noticing how Callum’s face fell as he swept his eyes over him, how his fingers shook as he traced Ben’s split lip, his bruised nose and cheek, letting them stroke the thin skin under his eye so tenderly it made Ben’s heart jump into his mouth. Ignoring the pain, he leant forward and brushed his lips over Callum’s, wanting to remove that look from his eyes.

“Where else would I be?” Callum said, resting his forehead against Ben’s. “You’re hurt. You’re so hurt, it’s my fault, it’s all my fault. I’m so sorry”

“What, no,” Ben exclaimed. “It’s not your fault, you didn’t do this.” He wasn’t going to say who, he’d do anything not to cause Callum any more pain and he guessed what the knowledge of what his brother had done would rip his heart to shreds.

But Callum looked so miserable, his eyes full of pain. “I know Stuart did this to you,” he admitted in a small voice. “I’m so angry at him, I’ve told him never to speak to me again. But it is my fault. I told him.”

Ben wasn’t sure if he was concussed because he’d lost track of the conversation somewhere. “What?”

“I told him,” Callum said. “About you. About us. About me.”

“What?” Ben repeated, not sure if he’d heard correctly.

Callum shut his eyes. “I told him we’re more than mates. And then he went and did this to you, I’m so angry at him, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.”

Ben cut him off in the only way he knew how, kissing him until he stopped talking, until Ben whimpered with the pain of his bust lip. “You told him,” he said in wonder. Callum let his fingers linger against Ben’s lip, smoothing them over the cut gently, and Ben kissed his fingertips, noticing how it made his breath hitch. “It’s not your fault your brother is a neanderthal, baby,” he said but Callum’s eyes were filling with tears.

“I couldn’t not tell him, I wanted to be with you so badly all day and it just came out. Then he ran off and I couldn’t find you and I was so worried. I got it out of him eventually. Told him exactly what I thought of him and then came to the Arches. Oh god, Ben, when I saw you… you were so out of it, I thought you were…. I hate him. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ben said. “I thought you were my guardian angel. No one’s ever come to help me before.”

“I’ll always be there to help,” Callum vowed and Ben just had to kiss him, roll him over onto his back, pain be damned.

It was a while later, when they’d been kissing for a while and Ben’s lips hurt so much but he didn’t want to stop that he realised something else.

“It’s light, babe,” he pointed out. “Everyone’s gonna be awake.”

“I don’t care,” Callum said. “I can’t… I can’t tell everyone Ben, but I don’t care if your family know. I’m sick of sneaking around, pretending I don’t care about you. I just want them to know how amazing I think you are.”

It wasn’t like they shouted it from the rooftops after that but there was a subtle change, around Ben’s family at least. They started hanging out more during the day, even if they didn’t kiss or hold hands in public just yet, and Callum started to come over for dinner, staying the night without sneaking in later, avoiding his flat and Stuart as much as possible. Ben knew they’d had words, the Highway brothers, and then Stuart did apologise, a few days later, a bit half hearted but Ben appreciated it all the same, knowing he would accept it for Callum. Stuart, he couldn’t stand and didn’t know how he would ever be able to forgive him. It wasn’t just the beating, it was when it was done and what it was for and Ben would never be able to forget that.

With Callum wanting to be more open, things were easier and they even decided to go on a date, to Ian’s restaurant, to see how it would feel about being out in public together. The fact Callum had asked Ben to do it made his heart sing, but of course, things didn’t quite go as planned. It was them, after all. 

Ben had made a real effort, turned up on time, dressed up in his nicest shirt but Callum was nowhere to be seen. He didn’t reply to any of Ben’s messages and 45 minutes later, he was so frustrated and annoyed that he was ready to give up. If Callum was having second thoughts, he could understand, but it was this silence that was uncalled for. However, as Ben stood up to walk out of the restaurant and try to find Callum, demand to know what was going on in his head, Ian received a phone call from Bobby, but it was his panicked cry of “Callum, slow down!” that made Ben stop and turn around. His annoyance faded to worry as Ian listened, looking up at Ben, face gradually growing paler and paler. “Bobby’s in hospital,” he said to Ben as he hung up. “He tried to walk onto the train line. Callum’s with him.”

What do you mean?”

“I don’t know anything more. I’m going to the hospital, I just need to let Mum know.”

I’m coming too!” Ben insisted, his heart beating too fast, his head swimming. What had happened to Bobby and what had Callum got to do with it?

The three of them were met at the hospital by the police, wanting to talk to Ian about Bobby, about what he’d taken to cause hallucinations, but Ben was more worried about what had happened.

“Bobby walked into a tunnel on a live line,” the police woman explained. “They couldn’t turn off the electric immediately, but Mr Highway went after him regardless. Bobby was seeing his sister, he said, he was on one of the tracks as a train approached. Mr Highway pulled him to safety. The train driver reported it was very close, that they were both in danger of being hit, but luckily Mr Highway was able to pull them into a nook in the tunnel.”

It was a very much matter of fact description, but Ben felt sick. He could read between the lines, he knew how close things must have been and Callum had done that, without even thinking, saved Bobby’s life whilst he had been sitting getting annoyed at him. Whilst Ian and Kathy went to sit with Bobby, he put his hand in his mum’s arm and held her back. “I’ll be in to see Bobby soon, I just need to find Callum first,” he said to her.

She looked at him, touched her hand to his cheek, her eyes so soft. “Of course, make sure he’s alright and tell him thank you,” she said.

It took him a while to find Callum and when he eventually did, he was sitting on one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs along a corridor, contorted into it as he kept his eyes fixed on the floor. His posture was tense, shoulders tight, slumped in on himself as he tried to make his height look small. Ben stared for a while before walking towards him and as he drew closer and Callum heard his footsteps he looked up at Ben. His face was pale, lips tight and his eyes were slightly red, although he tried to smile as he saw who was approaching him. Ben felt his heart stutter in his chest as the sight.

“How’s Bobby?” was the first thing he asked, voice low and tight.

“He’s OK, got Ian and mum with him. How are you?” Ben asked quietly.

“Fine. Ben, I’m sorry about the date, I never meant to miss it.”

“Hey,” Ben said gently, “you put your life on the line to save my nephew. I think that’s a pretty good reason to stand me up.”

Callum looked away and Ben could see his lips trembling, noticed the way he was picking at his thumb, a sure sign he was anxious about something. “I’ll leave you to it now you’re here, tell Bobby I said hi,” he said as he stood up.

“You don’t have to go,” Ben said, not wanting to let him, knowing there was something bothering him.

“It’s all right, your nephew will need you. I’ll text you?” Callum said and he pushed past Ben before he could say anything else and headed down the corridor, out of the door at the end of it. Ben stood there for a second, he couldn’t see Callum anymore but something wasn’t right, he knew it. Before he could second guess himself, he headed out after him. He couldn’t have gotten far, maybe downstairs or outside, but as Ben pushed the door open, he realised Callum hadn’t even gotten further than the top of the staircase past the door. He was leant against the wall, head back, breathing hard, one hand over his face and Ben's heart just broke. He let his fingers close around Callum’s wrist gently, noticing he still flinched as he looked at Ben, his eyes wary, his face wet. 

“Why are you here?” he asked, “what about Bobby?”

“Bobby has his dad and my mum. What about you? I think you need me more,” Ben whispered, let his hand glide up Callum’s arm.

Callum said nothing, just gulped once and that was it, Ben moved suddenly, wrapping all six feet something of him into his arms, pulling him in as close as he could. It was awkward, but worth it as Callum made a pained sound, almost a whimper, gripped his shirt with one hand as the other snaked around his back and fell to pieces in his arms. His face was pressed into Ben’s shoulder as sobs wracked his body, each shudder making Ben pull him closer, smooth his hands over his back, press light kisses against his hair and murmur words to him.

When the sobs calmed down into hitching breaths, Ben had to wipe the wet off his own face, heart aching as even though he had no idea why Callum had broken down, he could hazard a guess. He pressed one more kiss to the side of Callum’s head and then pulled back so he could look at his face. He was pale still, with red blotches and rimmed eyes, but he was still beautiful to Ben. He ran his thumb over the tears still on Callum’s cheeks, pleased at the small flicker of a smile that passed over his lips. “You back with me, sweetheart?” he asked gently.

“Yeah. Sorry,” Callum muttered, trying to look away but Ben held his chin gently and forced his eyes back. 

“Don’t apologise for that, you never have to. It don’t matter if you’re upset, it matters if you don’t let me help you.”

“Thank you,” Callum’s voice was still soft but stronger and he tipped his forehead into Ben’s, fingers curling into his tightly.

“You’re more than welcome,” Ben said, then tried to lighten the mood. “Now come on, I think we may be able to salvage some of this disaster of a date.”

They were in the hospital cafe, Callum had found a table whilst Ben got their drinks. He was keeping an eye on the older man as he queued, worried about the breakdown earlier. He made sure he liberally sugared the hot chocolate he’d brought for the other man before sitting down opposite him and letting their feet tangle together under the table. Callum looked better, still pale, obviously been crying although he wasn’t the only one like that here, but the awful tension had gone from his shoulders. He pulled a face when he sipped at his drink but at Ben’s scowl he drank more without saying a word. Ben knew he’d have to handle this carefully - for someone who was so open about lots of things, if it was something inherently personal Callum was likely to shut down if pushed too quickly, much like Ben himself. It was only after they’d both finished that he reached over the table, took Callum’s hand in his and pressed a kiss to the knuckles. “How are you? Honestly?”

Callum took a deep breath, eyes dropping to the table as his fingers flexed in Ben’s hand. “It’s the Army,” he admitted, “it just… it just made me remember all the stuff I’m trying to forget.”

Ben said nothing, just let his fingers stroke over the back of Callum’s hand lightly, trying to show he was there without forcing him to do or say anything he didn’t want to. This was the best way to deal with an upset Callum, he’d discovered, just like the way Callum had found out how to deal with Ben when he was upset or angry over his dad. Callum never spoke about his time in the Army, Ben had asked once and it had resulted in a cold, lonely bed that night as Callum had stormed out upset and ended up with both of them apologising the next morning.

Sure enough, after a few minutes of silence, Callum looked back up at Ben, his crystal blue eyes tinged with an emotion Ben couldn’t quite put his finger on. Sadness, hurt, fear, guilt, it was all mixed up, swirling around like a tsunami and Ben wanted to get rid of it like nothing else he’d ever wanted. He dropped his eyes back down as he started to speak. “I’m on a medical discharge,” he finally admitted, voice low. “There were landmines, we were trying to get families out. I got a kid out but his mum… she never made it. When it’s bad, I can see her, her face, as it all went to shit. I….,” his voice cracked, “they call it shell shock, where you can smell and see it all again even though you’re not there, it’s in your head. I guess it all just came rushing back. I can usually hide it well.”

“I didn’t know,” Ben whispered, shocked to the very core at what horrors Callum must have gone through.

“I didn’t want to talk about it. Besides, you make it easier. I’ve not had a nightmare in months.”

Ben shut his eyes, not sure if that was a good thing or not, wanting to ask Callum more but too scared to push when something he’d said earlier came back to his mind. “Wait, medically discharged? What happened?”

“I was too close to one of the landmines. Got shrapnel wounds and nerve damage in my leg,” Callum shrugged. “I’m having physio on it, until it’s good enough to go back. I’ve gotta finish my tour off, still got 6 months to go.”

“Shrapnel?” Ben repeated, growing more and more horrified, his heart beating faster in alarm, “a wound on your leg? I’ve never noticed.”

Callum’s smile was tight, “why’d you think everything we’ve done so far has been in darkness or under the covers?” he asked.

Ben breathed heavily, “Callum, you’re beautiful. No, I mean it, to me, you are gorgeous, you’re sexy and you’re beautiful. A scar on your leg isn’t going to change that. You’re a hero.”

“M’not.”

“To me, you are,” Ben shrugged and Callum looked at him fully, eyes softening as they finally met for the first time since he’d started speaking.

“Thank you,” he breathed gently. “For listening to me and being here, I mean.”

“That’s what I’m here for. You’ve done the same for me before, and I’d do it again you know.”

Callum squeezed his fingers, but when he spoke his voice was taut and scared. “I don’t want to go back, Ben,” he admitted. “I hate it there, I don’t want to see or do any of the things I’d be expected to do and I don’t want to leave you.”

Ben kissed his knuckles again, leaving his lips close to the soft skin on the back of his hand. He couldn’t say anything, didn’t know what to say when he felt exactly the same way but didn’t want to add anything more to make the other man feel any worse. There was already too much going on without Ben adding to it.

That night, Ben led Callum to his bedroom with only one thing playing on loop in his mind. Kathy and Ian were staying with Bobby and Lola had taken Lexi around to Jay’s for a movie night so for once it was just the two of them. Ben loved his family dearly, but trying to undertake a romantic relationship whilst juggling a judgemental older brother, an inquisitive little girl and a more than normally interested mother was quite the challenge. But tonight he wanted to show Callum exactly how beautiful he was and having the house to themselves meant he didn’t have to worry about anyone breaking into the room mid fumble or hearing them.

The second the door was closed, he pulled Callum towards him by his hips and kissed him, letting the moans fall into his mouth and relishing Callum’s shivers each and every time. As they kissed, he slid his fingers under the hem of his T-shirt and slowly pulled it up, letting his fingers trail over freshly exposed skin, pebbling with goose pimples along the path he was tracing. The kiss broke, only to allow Ben to pull Callum’s T-shirt over his head and off before he was kissing him again, running his hands down Callum’s arms from his wrists and pulling his body in flush. He then set about undoing the zip on Callum’s jeans before peeling both them and his boxers off him so he was standing in front of Ben completely naked. With a hand pressed against his chest and never lifting his lips off the elder mans , he walked Callum backwards until his knees hit the edge of the bed and then he pushed so he sprawled in a mess of limbs on the centre of the bed.

“Ben?” Callum asked, confusion colouring his voice as he looked up at Ben, still fully dressed.

“You’re beautiful,” Ben insisted, “let me show you how much I think that.” And he knelt on the bed between Callum’s legs and kissed him over and over again. Callum was tense to start with, but he soon relaxed into Ben’s arms, lips and tongue and mouth all involved in their kisses, limbs slowly becoming boneless. It was the first time they’d done this on top of the bed, with the lights on and Ben let his eyes drift open, looking through his lashes at the man below him and realising just how far gone on him he was. When Callum had relaxed to the state where he was almost limp in Ben’s arms, their moans intermingling, but his cock was hard against Ben’s hip, Ben moved down his body until he reached his left thigh. There, for the first time since they’d started this, he could see the scar from the shrapnel wound. Ben let his fingers stroke over it, noticing that Callum reacted immediately, a jerk, his eyes opening wide as he looked down at Ben, still fully clothed, kneeling between his legs, fingers on his thigh, eyes locked on his. “You’re beautiful,” Ben repeated and set about kissing every last inch of the scar from bottom to top.

He didn’t know how long he’d been doing it for but he knew he could go for hours, noticing how Callum had thrown his head back at first, a loud moan falling from his lips and then had dragged his head back up and was watching from half lidded eyes. He was raking his fingers through Ben’s hair, making the most delicious noises as Ben worshipped the scar, his man. And if his cock was as hard as Callum’s was, well, he could ignore it.

“Ben, Ben, please,” he stopped when he heard Callum moaning his name, “kiss me, please, Ben.”

He obliged, letting his fingers stay on the scar but diving in for a hot open mouthed kiss that had Callum grasping him tight. “You OK, baby?”

Callum nodded. “I…. I….”he stammered.

“You’re beautiful,” Ben repeated, kissing the tip of his nose and for the first time noticing the way Callum’s hips were stuttering against his own. “You are.”

“So are you,” Callum whispered. “So, so beautiful. Can I… can I take this off?” His fingers played with Ben’s clothes and he suddenly needed to be naked, skin on skin and with almost frantic fingers they undressed each other quickly. Ben was unprepared for when Callum pushed him into his back and proceeded to repeat the earlier actions, kissing every single scar left on his body from fights, from Stella , from his time in jail, from Stuart, lingering, worshipping every blemish.

The heat built between them to the stage when Ben could feel it coursing like fire in his veins and at that point he flipped them over so he was straddling Callum again and then he ground his hips down into Callum’s slowly so there was no mistaking what he was doing, their cocks pressed together from root to tip. “This ok?” he asked as he repeated the action, pushing a thigh between Callum’s and letting him arch against him. Callum nodded, and then it was a push to the finish, sweat soaked, gasping moans and groans in the air between them as their hips moved against each other. Ben shifted slightly, got the right angle and let his hips roll, grinding into Callum’s, watching as the other man fell apart below him. As they both got close, he grabbed Callum’s wrists, pushed them to the pillow above his heads and stopped moving. Callum whimpered, eyes opening and as they met Ben’s, he deliberately slowly let his hips move again. The second Callum shut his, he stopped and waited until the blue eyes were open again and locked with his. This time Callum didn’t falter, although his eyelashes fluttered the closer he got to orgasm, he kept his eyes on Ben as they moved against each other, quicker, faster. It was gorgeous, watching him, his face flushing more and more, spreading down his neck to his chest, the way his breath stuttered against Ben’s cheeks and lips, the way his eyes grew darker and darker. The way he bit his lip as his eyes roved over Ben’s face, the way he tilted his head back, the noises that left his mouth. And then as their cocks pushed and pressed against each other, hot, hard, gorgeous, the way his mouth fell open prettily as his orgasm ripped through him. Ben couldn’t help himself, he came at almost the same time, gasping into Callum’s mouth as he watched and was watched through it.

Afterwards, they lay curled up together, Callum’s fingers carding gently through his hair when he pressed a gentle kiss to Ben’s cheek. “Thank you,” he whispered. “You’re incredible.”

It was about a week after the Bobby incident, Ben was bored at the Car Lot where nothing much was happening and decided to go to the funeral parlour for his lunch break, ostensibly to catch up with Jay, but really to check out Callum in that damn black suit. However when he got there, Jay was the only one in the office. “Stuart came and dragged Callum out,” he shrugged in response to Ben’s query, “I don’t know what for or where they’ve gone or when he’ll be back.”

So Ben ended up having lunch with Jay anyway, sitting at Callum’s desk, feet propped up as they threw bits of sandwiches at each other’s mouths and just talked and laughed. Jay asked about how things were with Callum, whether they’d tried to sort out another date after the disaster of the last one. Ben knew he was getting warm in the face even just thinking about the other man, he fluttered around him like a moth to a flame, but he didn’t even care anymore. Jay was laughing at his embarrassment and chucking a stapler over the room at him when the door to the parlour banged open and Callum came in.

Ben sat up and stopped laughing as he saw the look on the older man's face, in his eyes. “What’s up? What’s Uncle Fester done now?” he asked.

“It’s not Stu,” Callum said and he sounded so tired, so fed up. “It’s my dad. He’s back.”

They were sitting at a table outside the cafe, mugs of tea in front of them, Ben’s mind racing as he thought back to what Jay had said about Jonno Highway from when he’d first met Callum. He knew Jonno was homophobic and not scared to voice those awful thoughts, that Callum had enlisted in the army to get away from him, that he made both of his sons angry, upset and scared when he was around. It was no wonder Callum was so frightened of admitting the truth about himself, that even though more people knew in Walford, he was still too scared to say the words themselves. Ben hated Jonno, more than Stuart and that was saying something.

Callum was quiet as he held his mug in both hands, staring at the pattern on the table to avoid looking at Ben. When he touched the back of his hand to grab his attention, he flinched, drawing his hand away and that cut Ben more than he thought possible. Callum’s eyes, when he lifted them up, were full of guilt, sorrow and fear. “I’m sorry,” he said, as he looked around them, trying to make sure Jonno was nowhere to be seen.

“What’d he say to you?” Ben asked, trying to keep his voice low and calm.

“Same as every time he comes around,” Callum said bitterly, “why can’t you get yourself a nice girl to marry, why are you still not fit enough to go back to the Army and even though he knows Stu and I don’t want him around at all he still keeps on coming back.”

Ben touched his hand again and this time Callum let him, although he made no effort to reciprocate. “I’m here, if you need me for anything, you know that right?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Callum muttered and he drained his mug. “I’ve got to get back to work Ben, I’ll catch up with you later?”

Ben knew a brush off when it came but this one stung so much, was Callum ending things between them? “Jay and I are going to the pub after work, why don’t you come along?”

Callum nodded, but was so distracted Ben wasn’t sure if he’d even heard the invite. “Yeah, OK,” he said and then he turned and left and didn’t turn back once to look at Ben, sitting shell shocked at the table.

The more he thought about it the more he realised that he was being selfish, this was about Callum and his father and his relationship with him, not just about himself and so just before he went to meet Jay he sent a text message to Callum.  _ I’ll be ready to listen whenever you need me. You know where I am right now. I’m thinking about you. _

Jay had already bought two bottles of beer when he reached the Vic and was sitting at a table near the door. “Have you seen Callum since lunch?” he asked Ben as he sat down and gratefully took a swig from the bottle.

“He said he was going back to work, did he not turn up?” Ben asked, suddenly worried. “He wasn’t happy. I invited him for a drink with us but I don’t know if he’ll even want to see me.”   
“His dad just gets into his head. Give him some space and he’ll be OK,” was Jay’s less than reassuring advice.

However, during their next bottle, the door was open and both Lola and Callum walked in, Lola holding onto his arm as they navigated towards Ben and Jay. They stood by the table, Callum making eye contact and holding it despite the unhappy tilt to his mouth. “Can we talk?” he asked.

Ben rolled his tongue in his mouth, not wanting a public breakup in any shape or form, but also so aware that he would do anything this man asked. So they found themselves propping up one end of the bar, trying to keep the conversation private even from the interested eyes of the two people sitting at the table they’d just left.

Callum swallowed heavily and took a deep breath in and Ben felt his resolve crumbling - he didn’t want to hear what was surely going to come out of Callum’s mouth. “Ben, I’m sorry, for earlier. I was horrible to you. I didn’t mean to… my father, he just gets in my head and I can’t get him out. I’m sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologise for,” Ben assured him, completely wrong footed.

“I thought about things, a lot, since we got together that night. Ben, you’ve changed my life,you’ve made me realise there’s more than lying to myself and to everyone else about my feelings. I want to make this official. I’m ready. I want to date you properly.”

“But…”

“No buts,” Callum interjected firmly.

“That’s a shame,” Ben quipped and instantly regretted it. “Sorry.”

Callum smiled and shook his head. “Ben, I like you a lot, stupid jokes and all. I want to do this. I’m ready.”

“Kiss me,” Ben breathed. “Kiss me, right here, if you’re ready.”

Callum looked at him, eyes gentle and warm and then he slowly, slowly moved forwards. When they were inches from each other, the other door in the Vic banged open and the atmosphere changed immediately.

A short, bald man was stomping across the bar, Ben had never seen him before but he made the realisation straight away that this was Callum’s dad, Jonno Highway, in the flesh. Angry, he exuded an air of offesivness that was almost unbearable, his little eyes flashing as he stormed towards Callum. Stuart was following him in, trying to pull him back but he was intent on Callum only, simmering anger boiling off him as he faced his younger son. Callum pushed Ben back behind him as he stood tall, facing the man before him but Ben couldn’t go, couldn’t leave him alone and stood at his shoulder, arms folded, in solidarity with the man who had stolen his heart. 

“I’ve been hearing some stuff, boy,” Jonno said and the tone of his voice matched his exterior, harsh, vile, unpleasant. “So tell me, why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

“I tried to get him to leave but he just won’t,” Stuart said, trying to grasp his father's arm and being shaken off. “I said you weren’t interested in talking to scum like him.”

“Stu, it’s OK. I’m fed up with pretending.” Callum said, directing the rest to his father. “I’m fed up of being treated like dirt. I ain’t interested in being tough or making everyone else feel small. That’s your idea of a man, but other people, they’ve taught me that it’s much harder making someone feel big, worthwhile, loved. And you’ve never done that cos you ain’t got the strength. And neither had I, but now…. The reason I don’t have a girlfriend, Dad, is because…”   
“Callum,” Stuart almost groaned from behind Jonno, but Callum ignored him.

“Is because… I’m gay.”

It was like the world had changed at that moment. Callum was standing, tall and proud, the pub quiet as they all listened to the declaration, and Ben, Ben was gazing up at this giant of a man in wonder and awe. He could only guess what his face looked like but he knew how he felt - adoration, amazement, god, how did Callum get to be so incredible?

Jonno was frozen in silence, his face in shock as he gazed over the tall, straight figure of his son. Only Ben was aware of the minute shiver running through Callum, of the effort it was taking him to be so brave and it made him even prouder of the man. Eventually Jonno managed to speak and when he did it was obvious he was not happy. “You’re my son, of course you ain’t,” he said

“I am, Dad. I know. I’ve always known…” Callum started and at that Jonno lunged for him, fists clenched, eyes intent on smashing his son’s face in.

It was pure instinct, Ben didn't even know what had come over him but there was no way that vile man was going to even touch Callum. He went crazy, trying to protect Callum, trying to hit Jonno, anything to stop him. It took Jay, Lola, Callum and his dad (who Ben hadn't even noticed entering the pub) to stop him from clambering onto Jonno and battering him senseless, and Stuart and Mick to grab hold of Jonno and pull him back. And amongst it all, Callum just stood there, facing up to it, taking it on the chin so bravely.

Jonno was angry, and he spat at them. “It’s him!” he shouted, pointing at Ben. “It’s him that's turned you into one of them. Phil Mitchell’s son! A disgusting, revolting….”

His words were suddenly and abruptly cut off as none other than Phil Mitchell himself deposited a tidy left hook onto his chin, causing Jonno to fall heavily into the bar, smashing glass over his face. “No one says anything like that here!” Phil roared.

After the melee had been calmed down and they were outside the pub, Callum approached Ben with almost cautious steps, eyes almost unsure of his welcome. “I’m sorry about that,” he started but Ben cut him off with his trademark sass, letting his voice and eyes show Callum that he wasn't bothered at all by his father.

“Did you see it too, the sexual tension between our dads?” he quipped.

Callum rolled his eyes but he took a step forward, cradled Ben’s head in his hands and bent his head, instigating the first public kiss with a man he’d ever had. Ben knew what that would have taken, could tell by the faint trembling in his lips and through his hands and he instinctively pressed into the kiss, keeping it light but letting Callum know he was here, he was present, he wanted it. He brought his hands up too, letting them settle on Callum’s cheeks, kissing him back with all his might. Once Callum pulled back, he was more settled, more calm and he sent Ben a smile. “Come to the flat later?” he asked gently.

Later on, Ben slipped over to the flat, ignoring the glare Stuart gave him when he opened the door to let him in. “I’m off out,” he said in a low warning voice. “My brother has made it clear what he wants. But if you hurt him, I’ll hurt you. Is that clear?”

Callum was standing by the kitchen counter, stirring a cup of tea when Ben came into the flat but as he entered, his head jerked up and a smile came over his face,slow and sure. He put the cup down and moved towards Ben. He met him halfway and grasped his forearms, holding him close but keeping a bit of distance between them. “I’m so proud of you, you know,” he whispered. “I think I’m ready too.”

“For what?” Callum asked pointedly, letting his hand ghost over Ben’s arms, to his shoulders, hooking them around his neck and moving them both in closer.

“For this,” Ben murmured and he raised his head and kissed his man.


	5. I reach my hand out in the dark

**2020**

Ben’s numb. It’s like nothing makes sense except Callum’s not dead, he’s trying to get back home. He must be because he’d promised to come back and Ben can’t cope if he doesn’t. He’s already lost Paul, how will he live without Callum too? He spends most of his days trying to get by, most of his nights dreading sleep because when it comes, it’s either one of two scenarios - a nightmare of what could have happened to Callum, or, even worse, a nightmare on waking when he realises he’s been dreaming of Callum being home safe and sound, but his bed is cold and empty. 

He knows they’re all trying to be supportive but it’s driving him crazy, the way they’re all talking about Callum in hushed whispers, like they’ve accepted he’s gone already, like they’ve given up on him. They treat him with kid gloves, like he’s a fractured vase just one slip away from cracking into pieces, they think it’s for the best. But he hates it, hates everything at the moment in time. Charlotte is the worst, she keeps on trying to prepare him for what may come and he just refuses to hear it. He knows it’s winding her up too, the way he just insists that he’s not dead until they find a body but he can't stop. In fact, the only person who understands is Stuart, he also believes Callum is alive somewhere, trying to get back to them, but Ben thinks they’re the only two people in the world that believe that. Maybe that makes him stupid. He’d rather be stupid than wrong.

It’s been four days since they were told the news and so far, only Callum’s close family and friends know the truth. Jay went to the Vic on Saturday and told Mick and the Carters, Ben just couldn’t do it, and Jay says they were devastated. Mick’s sent him a message but he’s ignored it at the moment, it’s too raw to read. It feels like it’s contained if it’s just them that know, he can still wander aimlessly around the square and not have to face facts like he will once everyone knows.

It’s been four days since they were told the news and he’s so wound up by how much he’s being smothered at the Beale’s house that he finds himself at his dad's mid afternoon. He doesn’t even know why he’s there, he just wants some peace and quiet. No one is in, his dad’s out somewhere but Ben can’t find it in his heart to care. He walks the house quietly, touching things lightly that remind him of Callum here, and it’s nice to be able to actually hear himself think for once. The front door opening wakes him from his reverie and he turns to see his dad coming in. They both stop still, staring, and Phil swallows. “Ben,” he says, awkwardly. It makes Ben want to laugh inappropriately, how uncomfortable he is around his own son. “I’m sorry to hear about Callum. He was a good ‘un, your bloke.”

“What?” Ben demands and he feels anger for the first time since he was told. It’s almost a relief to feel something, he’s been numb for 4 days. “Who the fuck told you that?”

His dad scowls at the swear word but Ben doesn’t care. “Jay did,” he says eventually. “He thought I should know, support you.”

“Callum’s not dead!” Ben shouts. “Jay had no right to tell you anything. Your support? You didn’t care about me before, why bother starting now?” He pushes past Phil, ignoring the grasp of fingers on his arm and storms off.

The anger is bubbling through his veins, turning the world bright red. He’s so angry at everyone, at everything, but Jay is the one he focuses on. Before he knows it, he’s at the Car Lot, breathing heavily as he stares around. And then he breaks down, screaming, shouting, letting all the pain out as he grabs hold of anything and everything and just throws it around. When he finally comes back to his senses, the office is a mess, shelves, paper, books, stationary all strewn over the floor.

He admits it to Jay when he gets home, doesn’t apologise, crawls into bed and curls into a ball holding Callum’s hoodie, his only form of comfort.

He’s still not asleep, staring blankly into the inky darkness and wishing, just wishing, when there’s a tentative knock on his bedroom door. It’s one am, everyone’s gone to bed, he’s not sure if he’s hallucinating but his door creaks open slowly and Lexi comes in.

“Daddy,” she whispers, “can I come in with you?”

“Of course, baby,” he whispers back, and moves over as she snuggles up next to him. He’s not really seen Lexi in four days. Lola’s told her, he knows that, he wasn't told her reaction but he can guess and that cuts him to the bone. Lexi loves Callum, as much as he does, she must be devastated. Kathy and Lola have kept her away from Ben since he found out, whether that was for his state of mind or hers he’ll never know. Now, he holds her close, breathes into her blonde hair as she grips him, her breathing unsteady. “Are you OK?” he asks her.

“Is Daddy Callum coming home soon?” she presses into his chest where she’s buried her face. “Mummy said he was lost somewhere when he was with the Army but he’s going to try to come back to us, right? He promised me.”

Ben’s arms tighten around her, his eyes full of tears at the name, her conviction in Callum. “He’s gonna be trying his very best, baby,” he promises her.

“I miss him,” her voice is sleepy now and Ben kisses the crown of her head. He can admit it, here in the middle of the night, only to his daughter.

“Me too baby, me too,” he whispers.

It’s been six days. There’s still no news and actually this is the worst of it. If they knew one way or the other they could deal with it but not knowing means Ben still has hope, even if it’s this hope that is simultaneously keeping him going and slowly drowning him every single day.

He’s sitting at the dining table with his mum and Lola when Jay comes running in. “Don’t look at the news,” he cries, breathless from sprinting, “don't read any newspapers and don’t go on the internet!”

“Why?” Kathy sits up, Lola’s got her hand on Ben's leg, rubbing slow comforting circles on it, but he’s still, frozen, heart pounding erratically. Jay slumps into a chair, head in hands.

“There’s a video,” he says, in a voice that turns Ben’s insides to ice.

Charlotte’s there within 15 minutes, but that’s enough time for Ben to drive himself crazy. The rebel cell have released a video of them bombing the convoy, she tells them, proof that they’ve attacked British troops. They’re calling it a victory, but there’s still no bodies found, no execution style video leaked and Ben still has that hope fluttering in his chest. “I need to see it,” he says to her, “please. I need to.”

She gets him an official copy, not the ones all the news channels are showing which has been cut for sensational purposes and they all watch it together. Ben’s thankful, he couldn’t ask them to stay but they had just done it and he’s not sure how he would have coped by himself. The video isn’t pleasant. There’s the truck in the distance, the rebels with a mortar in the foreground, they’re talking until they raise the weapon and aim. Ben can’t watch the impact, but he hears the noise that is punched out of Lola, feels Jay’s arms come around him and he hides his head. 

They’ve named the soldiers missing in the news, four of them and Callum’s one of the four. To most people he’s just a name but he’s more than that for Ben. He’s Callum. He’s Ben’s. He’s fighting, he has to believe that or he’ll go crazy. Everyone now knows, everyone’s seen the truck explode in flames and it’s almost unbearable now because they all think Callum’s gone. Only Stuart understands and it makes Ben want to laugh hysterically. He never thought that it would be him and Stuart against the entire world at any point in his life. But here they are, fighting to believe in Callum and refusing to give up on him, together. He has to believe. He has to.


	6. If love is fire, then I’ll burn for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a lot of smut. Sorry.

It had been around a month since the day that Callum told his dad he was gay. In that time, Ben noticed how different he was. He seemed to walk taller, to hold himself more proudly, to be more settled in his own skin. It was like telling his dad exactly what he thought and admitting everything had lifted the big burden of shame and guilt he’d been carrying all his life. Now he was free and it was clear to everyone that knew him.

Ben was still so proud of him, and equally relieved seeing how much lighter he was. Ben himself knew only too well of the strain carrying such a secret did to the person who was bearing it and Callum had been suffering. With the release of tension came a new found confidence and the Callum he was now spending time with was different to the one he’d first met, willing to initiate things, vocal about what he wanted, responding to Ben’s innuendos with a wide smile and not scared to show his feelings in public. The day after the coming out, they’d gone for breakfast in the cafe and as they walked across the square, Callum had slid his hand into Ben’s and not let go. Ben had been so ridiculously happy just holding hands, it had almost made him want to run away and never look back because he never let feelings in. But Callum was different and Ben craved him like nothing else. The day Callum had kissed his cheek in public, then a quick but sweet kiss on the lips had fundamentally shifted his world.

They’d been out on numerous dates, to bars, to the cinema where they’d sat at the back and kissed for the entire movie like randy teenagers. Ben had no idea what they’d seen, only that Callum had tasted like sweet sugar from his popcorn and he’d been so addictive that Ben couldn’t move his lips away. He’d got his own back at the Vic the next night when they’d met Jay and Lola for a double date and he’d spent the entire night with his fingers on Callum’s inner thigh, teasing them along the seam of his jeans and letting them brush against the rapidly hardening cock constrained within. He counted it a win when he’d gone to the toilets, only for Callum to follow him in, aroused so much his pupils were dilated and his eyes almost black, and he’d been shoved into a cubicle and proceeded to be given the blow job of his dreams. Mick had given them the evil eyes when they’d left the toilets afterwards, Callum going to the bar to buy more drinks pretending that his lips weren’t red from having them stretched around Ben’s cock as he fucked into his mouth. Ben had sat back down only to see Jay and Lola staring at him knowingly. “A quickie in the loos,” Jay had drawled, eyes amused. “Didn’t think you’d have it in you.”

“Not me, Callum, and only in his mouth,” Ben quipped back, trying to smooth his hair down and noticing that the back of Callum’s shirt was still ruched up from where he’d slid his hands under it.

Lola leaned in close and whispered, “you two are a nightmare, we can’t take you anywhere without you deciding to run off for sex!”

Ben hadn’t said anything but Lola and probably everyone else that knew them had jumped to the wrong conclusion. He was horny as hell and Callum drove him so mad that he couldn’t help but jump him all the time but they still hadn’t had full blown sex yet. Ben was being very patient and spending a lot of time having cold showers. He wanted to allow Callum to make the decision, to be entirely ready for the intimacy of sex between two people who genuinely desired each other. And, if he was being honest, that scared him too. He was so used to casual sex, sex where he’d get off or get someone else off, sometimes not even knowing their name and then go, leave them, never go back. This was different. Callum was different. He was more to Ben than anyone had been since Paul. And Ben didn’t know if Callum was ready yet and he didn’t want to push him until he was.

It all came to a head one night when they were out on a date in the Prince Albert and Ben was at the bar when a fair haired man approached him. “Hi, Ben, is it?” he enquired as he settled next to him, a little too close for comfort. Ben looked at him carefully, not recognising him properly but having the sinking feeling that he was one of his hook ups from before he got together with Callum. 

“Yeah,” he replied shortly, wishing the barman would hurry up with his drinks so that he didn’t have to stand there and pretend to be interested.

“I remember you. You were dead good in bed, one of the best. Fancy a second round?” the boy leant in close and put his hand confidently on Ben’s shoulder. He shook it off crossly and scowled at the boy. 

“No, I’m not interested,” he said, trying to keep civil even though his anger was starting to rise.

“Are you sure I can’t tempt you? I can show you a real good time, I’ll even let you….”

Ben tried to curb his temper, getting angry wasn’t worth it in his mum's bar, but he was suddenly aware of a presence next to him and they both looked up to see Callum. His face was taut, mouth set in anger as he looked over the boy. “I’m sure he said no,” he said and his voice was calm, even if Ben could spot the underlying tension there. He slid his hand onto Callum’s elbow, letting his fingers rub circles onto the joint.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” the boy demanded, squaring up to Callum.

All Callum did in return was slide his arm fully around Ben, pulling him into his body and look disdainfully at the boy. “I’m his boyfriend. I’m also in the Army. So I’d move on quickly if I were you. I don’t care where, just go, fuck off, anywhere and quickly. Or I may have to show you how we deal with perverts in my regiment if you don’t leave.”

Whilst not directly threatening there was an air to Callum that showed he meant what he said and the boy backed away, face flaming red. Once he’d gone and he’d been stared down as he vanished from sight, Callum turned back to Ben, pulling him into his arms and kissing him hard and dirty, by far the most passionate display of affection in a public place he’d ever done. 

“Are you jealous?” Ben whispered as he broke the kiss finally, lips bruised, heat flashing through him at the show of strength he’d just seen. Callum dropped his head and wouldn’t look at him and so he slid two fingers under his chin and tilted it upwards. “You know you don’t have to be, right, I’d never do anything with anyone else.”

Callum let his eyes meet Ben’s and he couldn’t fully read the emotions that were flashing through them and over his face, fear, jealousy, anger, worry. It scared him more than he wanted to admit. But Callum hadn’t moved an inch away from him. “I know you wouldn’t cheat on me,” he said, so confident in the simple fact that it made Ben want to cry, no one had ever had that much faith in him before. “But it makes me realise that I don’t know how to do anything. I want to, so badly, I’m ready for it, but I’m scared that I’m not going to be good enough for you or experienced enough for you. You could have anyone in here, I know that, I just wish….” his voice trailed off. Ben hadn't realised how deep this insecurity went, Callum had hidden it so well inside, but to be honest he shouldn’t have been surprised because he’d become so good at hiding himself for years.

“Callum, babe,” he said softly, leaning in so his forehead was pressed against the other man’s, blocking out all the other noise and people from around them. “I want you. I don’t care how much experience you have or not, if it’s you I’m with then I don’t care. You are everything, you must know that.”

Callum smiled, a small one that slowly filtered onto his face and let his lips brush over Ben’s gently. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Same for you, Ben, you are everything to me.”

Ben kissed him again, before taking his hand and pulling him out of the club. He knew Callum was finally ready to take the next step, now he just needed to find the right time when they were alone and could properly enjoy themselves.

Callum texted him on Friday morning  _ Stuart and Rainie are away this weekend, I’m making chicken pasta for dinner, would you like to stay over? Hope that’s OK for you?  _ and Ben hurried through his deals with his dad and Martin to make sure that he was ready in time for the date, knowing exactly what Callum had on his mind as he’d been thinking of nothing else since the Prince Albert too. He thought a lot about what to wear, having both Lola and his mum tease him mercilessly when he got home. He was only going round to Callum’s, but he was also going round to Callum’s and he knew exactly where this was headed. But he didn’t want to bluster in and just throw him on the bed and have it all over before it really began, he wanted to do this properly, and that meant wine and dine him before taking things to the next step. Lola sat on his bed as he looked through his wardrobe trying to find the perfect outfit to wear. “You really like him,” she said.

“Yeah,” Ben grabbed a shirt and turned to face her. “He’s wonderful, Lo, I just want him in my life all the time.”

“You love him,” she whispered, eyes wide and bright, a massive smile suddenly flooding her face.

“No. I don’t. Who said anything about love?” Ben huffed back immediately, but he knew he was fighting a losing internal battle with himself. He was falling in love with Callum. He knew that. Even if he wasn’t prepared to admit it to anyone or even say the words to himself because that would make it too scary, too real, too precious. And if he lost Callum how would he deal with it? Losing Paul was bad enough, he barely got through that.

Lola’s eyes were so soft as she looked at him. She knew him, always had, could see through him in an instant and she understood. She dropped the subject of love, however, but had something else that was just an important to say. “When are you going to introduce him to Lexi?”

“Lexi knows him, they’ve hung out,” Ben pointed out as Lola rolled her eyes.

“I meant, as your boyfriend, idiot,” she said. “I think it’s time, you know. She just wants you to be happy. And he makes you so happy and he wants to stick around. I think you should tell her.”

It was a big step, massive even, Ben had never introduced a man to Lexi as his boyfriend but he could imagine that with Callum and it made his chest and stomach warm. “Yeah, OK,” he said. “I think you’re right.”

When Callum buzzed him into the flat, he was still thinking about his conversation with Lola, how Callum had infiltrated his life so much that he now couldn’t imagine it without him in it. And when he climbed the steps to the flat, wondering how he’d approach the topic with his boyfriend, he stopped still, staring in amazement around him, suddenly so glad he’d made an effort in what he was wearing and had brought that damn bottle of wine his mum had fostered on him on his way out. The flat was dim, lit with lots of candles dotted around, the table set properly for dinner with flowers in the middle and soft music playing from the radio. And Callum himself looked gorgeous, dressed up, standing by the oven just watching him almost nervously. “Hi,” he said softly, “I hope it’s not too much?”

Ben could only imagine what his face looked like, this was the first time anyone had done anything so romantic for him. He crossed over the kitchen, deposited the wine on the side and slid his arms around Callum. “It’s beautiful,” he whispered as he moved in for a kiss, bracketing the other man with his arms as he moved in closer. Callum hummed happily into the kiss, sliding his hands into Ben’s cheeks and holding him there as their lips moved against each other. Ben had to break it off quickly though, Callum had made such an effort with dinner that he knew he’d have to behave until afterwards despite the almost guttural need to drag him into the bedroom.

Callum dished up and they sat and ate, feet touching under the table, smiling at each other amongst their chatter. Ben brought up Lexi and almost had to jump up to help Callum stop choking at the thought. When he was calmer, he smiled across at Ben and reached for his hand, “I’d love that, Ben, really I would,” he said and Ben’s heart sang.

After the chicken pasta, Callum moved the plates to the sink and then started to rummage in his fridge. “I have dessert too if you want it, now or later?” he asked.

Ben had had enough of waiting, needing to see if Callum still wanted what they’d talked about earlier in the week. He crossed over to him, took hold of two handfuls of his shirt. “Leave it,” he suggested with a half smile. “Come ‘ere,” and he pulled him in for a kiss.

The response was immediate, Callum’s hands coming to his face as he kissed him once, twice, three times, pulling back in between to look at Ben. Ben kept his eyes shut, swaying in slightly, letting Callum dictate the pace and the situation itself. He wanted, needed him to be happy, to be secure in what he wanted and these kisses, the grasp of his face by long fingers, the way he pushed back in each time was sending heat sparking into his stomach and down to his cock already. When Callum leant in for a fourth kiss and this time pushed him backwards, Ben went willingly, pulling him along with the handfuls he still had of his shirt. It made his stomach flutter even more as Callum pushed him back into the nearest wall on the way to the bedroom, kissing him like he was a starving man. He deliberately made his arousal clear, noticing Callum swallow hard as he broke the kiss, staring into Ben’s eyes. His pupils were dilated, his breathing heavy as he looked at Ben, desire clear in his eyes. “Are you sure about this ?” Ben said, rolling his hips slowly so there was no mistaking what he was asking Callum.

Callum kissed the soft skin near to his eye, trailed his lips to the very corner of his mouth and waited there. “Yes,” he said and his voice was low, husky, wrecked. “Yes, please, Ben,”

“What do you want? Me to fuck you or you to be inside me?”

Callum’s hips were moving against him as he groaned at the question. “Both?” he suggested, and Ben laughed gently, returning the kiss properly. 

“I guess I can put up with that,” he teased softly and reinstated the deeper kiss, pulling Callum into the bedroom as he did.

Callum was tense under his hands as they kissed and so Ben pushed him down onto the bed, standing between his legs as he now could now lean down, fingers cradled around the back of his skull, letting his lips and mouth show how he was feeling but not rushing anything, taking his time. It wasn’t difficult, kissing Callum was quite possibly one of his most favourite things to do in the world. Callum gradually relaxed under him, stretching up to reach, eager and soft in his movements. When he was sure Callum was comfortable underneath him, he let his hands move against his shoulders until his back hit the sheets below and Ben himself could get his weight above him. Hovering carefully, he let his lips carry on doing the talking, not pushing or doing anything more than the long, slow, deep kisses, brushes of tongue against tongue, gentle in the dim light. He wanted Callum to be comfortable, to truly want this, no matter how long it took.

Eventually, Callum, now boneless underneath him, hips starting to move in small movements, bit at his lips and then pulled back. His eyes were dark, his fingers moving over Ben’s neck and back through his clothes. “I thought we were going to fuck,” he said and the filthiness made Ben drop his head and moan. “Can’t do that fully dressed surely?”

Ben sat back and looked down at him, eyes alight. “Strip me then,” he offered with a wicked smile.

He wasn’t fully prepared for the laugh that bubbled out of Callum as he also sat up, grabbing Ben back into a hard kiss as he grappled with the buttons on his shirt. Between them they managed to undo it and Callum slipped it from his shoulders and threw it somewhere in the room between kisses, and whilst he did that Ben made short work of Callum’s own shirt, getting in a cheeky nipple twist as he pulled it off and being instantly gratified by the noise that rumbled out of Callum’s throat as he did. 

Callum got his own back, letting his hand cup Ben’s half hard cock through his jeans as he undid the button, grinning into the kiss as Ben groaned at the sensation, rubbing his fingers against it even more in response. Ben couldn’t stop the twitch as Callum got his jeans off, pushing at him to lift his hips so they could join the shirt on the floor, palming him through his boxers until Ben was a moaning mess of pure desire. “Callum,” he groaned. “God, Callum.”

He fumbled at Callum’s jeans too until he could get the button undone and slid his hand inside immediately, letting it close around his hot, hard dick and stroking just once. Callum was kneeling up, and he took the opportunity to get his jeans and boxers off and slide his own boxers off too. Then he looked up and noticed Callum was staring, an awed, overwhelmed look on his face. Ben knew this feeling, all their previous full naked fumbles had been just fumbles, but this was the first time they knew exactly where this was going and it felt so different. Ben sat back on his haunches, and let Callum look his fill, eyes skirting over Ben’s chest, nipples and stomach, down to his cock that was now hard, resting against his stomach, showing his interest in the situation. When his eyes came back up to meet Ben’s, he noticed the gulp, the way his cock swelled even more, the way he licked his lips. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered and Ben just melted. He leant forward and let his fingers graze over Callum’s body, over his collarbones, over his heart, down to gently stroke his cock.

“You’re beautiful,” he said back, and pushed Callum back down and reinstigated their kiss.

This was different, so much skin on skin, cocks pressing against each other and Callum was making the most incredible sounds and Ben couldn’t stop his hips from reacting and he had to stop, pull back before he got too far. “Are you still up for it, how far do you want to go?” he asked, needing to make sure.

“All the way,” Callum confirmed, lips breaking into a beautiful smile under Ben.

“Good,” Ben kissed the smile once. “Not that I’ve been planning this or anything but… I think it would be better if you fucked me first? Then we can switch later on. See what you like?”

“Yeah,” Callum swallowed his words in another kiss. “Yeah.”

Ben turned them around so he was lying on his back, letting his legs drop open and pulling Callum in between his thighs. As they kissed, he fumbled for the bottle of lube Callum had left on the bedside table, uncapping it and squirting some of the viscous liquid onto his own fingers. He let one of them circle his own hole before sliding it inside himself, the gasp he made against Callum’s lips showing exactly what he was doing. Callum broke the kiss and pulled back, a broken moan leaving his throat as he watched Ben’s finger and then he surged forwards, grabbing the lube himself. “Can I?” he asked eagerly, “is it OK if I help?”

Ben half laughed, half groaned. “Yes, please,” he begged and Callum got his fingers nice and wet and where they needed to be and then he hesitated, biting his lip. Ben knew this would happen at some point, he knew he was the first man Callum had been with, but he didn’t care. He hooked his ankle around Callum, pulling him in and touched his cheek with his hand. “It’s fine, babe,” he whispered. “Just enjoy yourself, trust your instincts, listen to me and you’ll be fine,”

Callum gulped, bent to kiss him and then let his finger glide around Ben’s rim before sliding it inside next to the finger Ben still had inside himself. He picked up the same rhythm quickly and Ben slid his out, letting Callum replace it with a second one of his own, exploring gently but firmly, being so damn considerate it made Ben’s heart fill with joy even as he quickly started to unravel from the blunt press of Callum’s fingers inside him.

“Is this OK? How does it feel?” Callum whispered into the side of his face.

Ben let his hips rock down, gasped and moved in closer, clinging to Callum’s shoulders. “Feels so good babe. Please. Oh, Callum,” he moaned. “Another please?”

Callum slid another lubed finger in gently and pressed in more confidently, deeper and then his fingers brushed over Ben’s prostate and he was flying, grabbing hold of Callum and pulling him in close, moans spilling out unchecked. “Oh, oh god, Callum, Cal,” he groaned. “There, just there.” Callum swallowed the noises in kisses, his fingers pressing against the bundle of nerves again and again until Ben was shaking apart. “Callum, I need you, need your dick in me now. I’m ready,” he managed to grunt out with the last of his composure.

Callum withdrew his fingers and looked unsure for a second so Ben took control, pushing him down to his back and straddling his thighs. Callum groaned as he realised Ben’s intentions, letting him slide a condom over his hard cock and lube it up before getting in the right place and slowly slowly sinking down and taking Callum into his body, breathing in short pants at the feeling of fullness, hardness, of Callum, inside him. Callum held still below him, hands grasping at Ben’s hips but not forcing him down, pupils dilated, eyelashes fluttering, breathing heavily as he watched Ben lower himself down until he’d bottomed out, sitting in Callum’s lap. There, he paused, “just need a minute to get used to you, baby, feels like you’re all the way here,” he whispered, gesturing to his heart and he noticed the shiver that went through Callum’s body, the way he whimpered and shut his eyes for a second. When he opened them, they were almost black with desire. Ben couldn’t help himself, he leant forward and kissed him, sucking in a breath at the fullness and then he slowly began to move, circling his hips gently and then raising himself and letting himself fall back down. Gradually he built up a rhythm, Callum watching him before experimentally rolling his hips and Ben gasped, the air punched out of his lungs. 

“Ben,” Callum moaned. “Feels so good, is this ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, you feel so good too, babe, so good, go on, move, please,” Ben begged and they began to move together, Callum’s thrusts matching his own rhythm as he rode his dick, gasps and moans being forced out of his body, his head tipped back from the absolute pleasure. Callum’s fingers gripped into his hips as he moved against Ben, rocking his hips up, meeting him thrust for thrust. And then he managed to get his fingers around Ben’s cock, stroked once, twice in time with his hips and it was all over for Ben, his orgasm catching him almost unaware, white hot and blinding. As he came, he clenched around Callum, feeling the pressure inside as the older man also came, Ben’s name on his lips, hips stuttering.

When Ben came back to himself, he was slumped over Callum’s chest, come covering both of them, Callum’s fingers stroking through his hair. He leant up, seeing the blissed out look on his man's face and bent down for a kiss, soft, quick, gentle. “Hey,” he said quietly, “how was that?”

“Ben,” was all Callum could say, kissing him back. Ben slid himself up and off his softening dick, wincing at the loss, and then settled back down after disposing of the condom, lying on top of Callum and smiling, laughing, kissing him, heart finally slowing down to a more normal rhythm , feeling Callum’s underneath his own too. Callum kissed back, soft, slow sweeps of tongue. “Ben,” he said again. “God, that was, I never knew it would feel like that, sex, I mean.”

“Makes a difference when it’s with someone you really like,” Ben admitted, propping himself up and looking down at the beautiful man below him. “Your turn next, if you still want it? Just need a while to recover first though.”

“I do want it,” Callum admitted. “If that’s ok with you?”

“I couldn’t think of anything more I’d love to do,” Ben grinned, and proceeded to pull Callum into his side and kiss him repeatedly until they were ready to go again.

This was different, this time, and Ben wanted nothing more than to make Callum’s first time of being the bottom the most incredible experience he’d had, even if it took them all night. They’d been lying side by side, legs entwined, kissing until Ben’s lips were almost numb, until he was sure Callum was relaxed and starting to get interested in the proceedings again. Then he rolled him over onto his back and deepened the kisses, until Callum was whimpering, biting at his lips, moaning with want and need and desire. He pulled back to look, to check, seeing Callum spread out on the sheets, lips red and kiss bitten, eyes dark, cock starting to harden was almost too much for him to bear. He was beautiful. He couldn’t help but spread his hands over the expanse of skin on his chest, his stomach and followed the path of his fingers with his mouth and his tongue. Callum trembled beneath him, fingers pulling at Ben’s hair as he carded them through it, breathing unevenly. Ben hesitated at Callum’s left nipple, kissing it, noticing the gasp it drew out of the man below him, and left a bite just beside it. Callum swore at that, hands grasping Ben’s head as if to hold him there, and with a glance upwards at the look of pure need on his face, Ben obliged, licking the nipple, catching it between his teeth and relishing in the noise Callum made and the way his body writhed underneath him. Ben pressed a chuckle into the skin below him, noticed the smile that appeared on Callum’s face and surged back upwards to kiss him, wet and deep. “You liked that?” he asked rhetorically.

“Would like it more if you got a bloody move on,” Callum huffed back at him, fingers belaying the tone of his voice as they played sweetly at the nape of Ben’s neck, keeping him close.

“Impatient aren’t you? I’ll have you know I could do this all night if I wanted to,” Ben teased gently. “I haven’t even started yet!”

“Maybe you would if you stopped talking for…”

Callum’s words died in a moan because that was obviously a challenge and Ben wouldn’t be Ben if he turned something like that down. He bit beside Callum’s other nipple, wriggling down his body, licked a stripe up his cock as he settled between his spread legs and rubbed his stubble over the sensitive skin on his thighs. And then without any further ado, he slicked up his fingers from the bottle of lube and rubbed them around and over Callum’s entrance, watching to see how the other man was reacting.

“Shit,” Callum swore, jerking his hips up a little, sitting up on his elbows so he could watch better.

“Relax,” Ben murmured, pressing a kiss to his inner thigh and sliding just the tip of one finger in. Callum fell back down, already breathing heavily, an incredibly aroused expression on his face as he gazed down at Ben between his legs. He pushed in deeper, feeling Callum clench around him.

“Ben,” Callum said on an exhale, so breathy he almost wasn’t sure if he’d said anything. He reached out, brushed his hand down Ben’s arm, let it hover around his elbow. “Oh god, Ben.”

Ben bit his lip, worked his finger out, then back in, gaze fluttering over Callum’s face and the expressions of pure arousal, pleasure that were filtering over it. He quirked his finger until he found the bundle of nerves that made Callum squirm beneath him, mouth falling open so prettily it made Ben’s cock twitch with how much he wanted him. Callum knocked his head back, a litany of moans interspersed with Ben’s name and swear words falling out of his mouth. Ben grinned against his thigh and slid his finger out, making Callum grumble and open his eyes to see what was going on. But it changed into a low moan when Ben lubed up another finger and slid two back inside, scissoring them as he placed kiss after kiss on Callum’s thighs, quivering belly, hip bones. Callum was writhing underneath him, breathing shaky, body trembling with pleasure as Ben crooked his fingers, twisted them, slid them out and pushed a third in, setting a steady rhythm in and out, making sure to get the right angle to touch his prostate every time. Callum was rocking down onto his fingers, against the bed as he let the fingers brush over and over again against that nub inside him, breathing Ben’s name repeatedly in a broken voice that made Ben’s cock jump every single time, begging him, and Ben was so turned on, wanted him so badly he couldn’t wait any longer.

“You ready?” he asked and his voice was low, raspy, shaky just from the sight and touch and feeling of Callum and he had to stop moving his fingers or else he’d blow before he even had time to be inside his boyfriend.

“Yes, yes, Ben, please,” Callum begged and Ben withdrew his fingers, both of them wincing at the loss and then wriggled back up his body until they were face to face. He grabbed a condom, rolled it on himself, lubed himself up and raised Callum’s leg, wrapping it around his hip as he leant in, catching Callum’s lip between his teeth and soothing it into a deep kiss. As he did this, he nudged his dick against Callum’s entrance and then pushed in, just the tip, before sliding out. Callum sighed, almost a whine and tightened his grip on Ben’s waist with his leg and Ben needed no further encouragement. He pushed in further, withdrew, then slammed in a bit deeper, a bit harder, repeatedly until he was fully sheathed.

He had to take a minute then, breathing heavily himself, listening to the choked off noises Callum was making, the feeling of heat and tightness and wonderfulness almost too much for him to take. Callum’s hands smoothed up and down his back, his breathing hard against Ben’s lips, body shaking, eyes locked on him as he whimpered deep in his throat. “Ben, feels so good,” he whispered against Ben’s lips, shuddering. Ben couldn't speak, letting their mouths meet in a half kiss, just a slide of lips before he started to move in earnest. He started off slowly, thrusts even, gentle but soon picked up a faster, harder rhythm, deep inside Callum’s body. Callum met him thrust for thrust, rolling his hips and Ben suddenly knew he’d hit the right angle when his face changed, mouth dropping open so prettily and a noise he was sure no one had ever heard Callum make escaping from his mouth. He drove in, again and again, hitting that spot, watching as Callum fell apart underneath him. His own rhythm became a little wild, harder to maintain, because how could it not, with the vision below him? “Callum, Callum,” he said, “you’re so hot, so beautiful, come on, baby, come for me.”

He managed to get a hand to Callum’s cock, hard and weeping and it took one stroke only before Callum came, orgasm ripping through him, face contorting so beautifully, Ben’s name on his lips and his body clenched hard around Ben. His neck arched into the bed, shaking, quivering so beautifully and he was the most gorgeous thing Ben had ever seen. That was all it took for Ben to let go too, pulsing into Callum’s body as he reached his own climax, so overwhelmed by the sensation that everything went white.

When he refocused, he was draped over Callum, his legs still wrapped around Ben’s waist, keeping them close to each other. Callum’s come was a sticky mess between them but he didn’t care, couldn’t care when Callum’s hands felt so nice in his hair.

As he raised his head, Callum was smiling at him softly. “Hey,” he whispered and then they were kissing, just a gentle brush of lips and tongues.

They got Lexi round to the flat the next day, for dinner that Callum cooked and they sat her down and told her that Callum was daddy’s boyfriend, only to be met by an almost bemused look. “I knew that already,” she huffed as she coloured in the picture she’d drawn.

“What?” Ben asked, almost alarmed by the matter of fact statement.

“You look at Callum the same way mummy looks at uncle Jay,” she shrugged. “It’s obvious, daddy. Look at my picture, isn’t it great?” and like that, the matter was finished.

They fell into a routine, spending their nights at each other’s houses, learning each other’s bodies, spending time with Lexi and the rest of Ben’s family. It blew Ben’s mind how much his family liked Callum, how natural it felt to have him around all the time. Lexi in particular loved Callum, loved spending time with him and that was all the confirmation he needed. His daughter would always be the most important person in his life and the fact she idolised his boyfriend tied together the two people his world revolved around. 

One night they were at the Beale’s house, looking after Lexi to give Jay and Lola a date night out. They’d eaten pizza, played snakes and ladders and Ben had bathed Lexi and was now reading her a bedtime story when he noticed Callum leaning against the doorframe, eyes soft in the dim light. When Lexi had dropped off, he came out of her room to be grabbed around the waist by Callum. “God, I love you,” he breathed into Ben’s mouth before kissing him deeply.

It made Ben panic a little, making an excuse to grab a glass of water and taking some time to calm himself down. He knew Callum was so special to him but the knowledge that Callum felt like that about him was more difficult to comprehend. He was Ben Mitchell. He was unlovable, unworthy, dangerous, he’d always been made to feel like that. Why should someone, anyone, let alone someone like Callum, feel like that about him?

A sound made him turn around and a guarded Callum was standing looking at him. “I’m sorry,” he said and the pain in his voice made Ben wince. “I never meant to tell you. I know you find things like this hard to hear and to believe. But I do. Love you, I mean. I’m in love with you. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable but I can’t hide it anymore.”

Ben’s heart soared, yet another crack being filled by the man standing in front of him. “I can’t,” he started, voice cracking, tried again. “I don’t deserve your love.”

“Yes, you do. You’ve been amazing since I met you, kind, patient, understanding, wonderful. You deserve more than I can offer.” Callum took a tentative step forward, hands twitching like he wanted to grab hold of Ben, and he gave up, folding into Callum’s chest in one move.

“I want you to love me,” he admitted. “I want it so bad, but I can’t…. Callum, you must know how I feel about you, I can’t, I can’t…”

Callum hushed him, pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “You don’t have to say anything, Ben. I didn’t tell you because I wanted anything in return. I just want you, and I’m in love with you.”

Ben turned his face up, letting his fingers ghost over Callum’s jaw lightly. “Tell me again?” he asked gingerly.

Callum smiled, his eyes full of feeling. “I’ll say it everyday until you realise it’s true and you deserve it. I love you.” He dropped a kiss into the tip of Ben’s nose. “I love you,” one to his cheek. “I love you.” And this time he kissed the smile off Ben’s lips, pulling him close and allowing Ben to start to feel that maybe he did deserve this man and the love he offered unconditionally


	7. Until my heart is black and blue

**2020**

  
It’s been 8 days since Ben was told the news. It’s been 2 days since the video was released. Everyone knows, they stop him in the street to shake his hand, to tell him that they’re sorry about Callum. He wants to punch them, to make them hurt. They should be pleased he’s biting back the words, holding himself back. There’s still no news. It’s eating him up from the inside. He’s so angry all the time. He’s angry at the army for making Callum go back. He’s angry at Jay and Lola and his mum for no real reason, he’s angry at Ian because he’s Ian. He’s angry at himself because he can’t do anything. And he hates this, but he’s angry at Callum. Angry because he promised he’d come home and he’s not here and the longer this goes on the more likely it is that he’s never coming home. 

He finds himself that night sitting on his bed, so angry he can barely think. He wants to do something to make him forget, even for a little while, return to the self-destructive behaviour that used to distract him from how awful his life used to be. He wants to try to get Callum’s face out of his head because he’s so angry at him and he doesn’t want to be. He loves Callum. He’s not really angry at him. But he also is and the never ending cycle is making him go crazy.

So he reverts back to what he used to do so often. He dresses up in his old pulling shirt, the tightest jeans he can find, and sneaks out to find a hookup.

He knows he’s sabotaging himself deep down, if he really wanted to do it, he’d go to a bar out the way, fuck someone in an alley, but he’s going to the Prince Albert. His mum's bar. His brain wants one thing, but his heart knows better.

He props the bar up, orders a bottle of whiskey and starts drinking to help numb the pain and the anger. The bar staff know him, he’s the owner's son after all, and they must know what’s happened, but they say nothing to him. That suits him just fine.

He’s been drinking for a while when a boy sidles up to him, blonde hair, green eyes, muscles, taller than Ben. “Hi,” he says, touching Ben’s arm. “I’ve been watching you all night, you’re fit. Fancy a good time?”

This was what he wanted, right? And then it suddenly hits him. What is he doing? How can he be here when Callum….. Callum’s face is back in his mind, soft smile, eyes understanding and the anger is gone, replaced by bone crunching pain. He retches suddenly, stomach heaving, and he can’t say anything to the boy. He turns and rushes to the toilets where he throws up alcohol and the meagre contents of his stomach.

I’m sorry, he whispers to his reflection, unbelieving of what he was almost going to do. In here, there’s whispers of memories, of them kissing, of Callum pulling him frantically into a cubicle, of Ben sucking Callum off, of fast and furious fucks pressed against the wall. It’s unbearable, crushing and Ben has to get out of there.

When he gets back to the bar, the boy has gone but he’s been replaced by Jay, nursing a glass of his whiskey. He says nothing, just pours Ben another drink and raises it, clinks the edges of their glasses together and they both down the alcohol, the burning in Ben’s throat distracting him from the pain in his chest. “How’d you know I was here?” he asks eventually.

“The staff called Kathy, they were worried about you,” Jay admits.

“I didn’t do anything,” Ben’s quick to put it out there.

“But you thought about it. Why?”

Ben thinks, swirls another shot of whiskey in his glass. He knows it’s irrational, knows it’s not fair to blame Callum for what’s happened but he can’t stop. “I’m so angry, Jay. I don’t want to be, but I am.”

Jay just hugs him. “We all loved Callum, Ben, I know it’s not the same but talk to me. I can try to help. Cos heaven knows he’d hate to see you like this.”

For the first time, Ben doesn’t correct the past tense. He can’t, when he’s starting to doubt things himself.

It’s day 10 since he was told the news, when he gets a visit from Charlotte. His head jerks up, fear in his eyes and she’s quick to say, “there’s still no news. But Ben, there is something you need to do. Callum had a solicitor and there was a clause in his affairs. They’ve asked to talk to you and Stuart today.”

In the end, Jay goes with Ben and Rainie comes with Stuart, they’re in an Army car with Charlotte and the liaison officer that’s been working with Stuart driving. The four of them sit in silence in the back. Ben’s wracking his brains as to what is going on, he has no idea why Callum would need a solicitor at all.

When they get there, the four of them are shown into an office and a kind looking man called James shakes their hands. Jay’s sitting close to him, Rainie’s holding onto Stuart as James starts to talk, and he’s the first person Ben’s spoken to who actually still holds onto the same hope for Callum as he does. That’s probably why he likes him immediately.

“Callum asked us to look after his affairs in the case of his death. Of course, at the moment in time we still believe him to be alive, but missing in action. However, there was an instruction to talk to you both about his affairs if he was missing for 10 days or longer. You know how the Army works, he’ll be declared presumed dead in another two weeks if there is still no news, after then, we move into the next stage of things. But for now we’re just keeping you updated and hopefully this will be the only time you’ll be here,” he says. He pauses, looks at Ben. “You seem confused?”

“Why did Callum need a solicitor?” Ben asks.

“Callum had quite a lot of money. He sold an old family heirloom a few years ago. He invested most of the money into a capital project, but there was still quite a substantial amount left. He’s instructed us to split it evenly between you both. Stuart, he wants you to get your own flat, start a family, put it towards your wedding. Ben, he asks that you invest some of it for Lexi. For her future, he said, towards her university fund, as she’s the cleverest little girl he’s ever met.”

For the first time since this started Ben feels tears fill his eyes. Callum was thinking of Lexi, securing her future and this means so much to him, shows him how much he was loved by this amazing man. He can’t speak but Jay asks, “how much are we talking?”

“£25,000 each,” James says, and passes some documentation over the table.

Ben’s shocked, he catches Stuart’s eye and he looks like Ben feels. It’s too much to deal with. 

Just as they’re about to go, James calls him back, Stuart and Rainie are already out of the door, but it’s just Ben he asks to stay. Jay hovers in the doorway, respectfully not listening but staying close. “There’s one more thing, a personal request,” James says and he reaches into the envelope on the desk and slides a memory stick over the table to Ben. “He left you this too.”

The memory stick’s burning in his pocket as they tell Lola and Kathy what’s gone on. Jay’s not mentioned it, but he gives Ben’s arm a squeeze, lets him know he has his back if he wants to see what it contains. So Ben sneaks off, leaving Jay to deal with the female members of his family. He goes to the Arches, knowing it’s too late for his dad to be there so he’ll be alone. He pulls open the laptop and plugs the stick in, still unsure of what’s on it. A still picture comes up, the start of a video, Callum’s face filling the screen and suddenly Ben can’t breathe. His fingers move without any thought, tracing the contours of the face on the screen in front of him, missing him so much it’s a physical pain in his chest. He’s not sure if he wants to watch it, if he can watch it, but eventually he presses play.

Callum’s in the flat, sitting on the sofa, so it’s from before he went back to the Army. He’s wearing the top Ben loves him in, green soft fabric stretching over his chest and shoulders and he’s smiling at the camera. When he speaks Ben has to bite his lip to stop making any sound, he’s not heard Callum’s voice for ages and he’s almost forgotten the intonations, the way his voice caresses certain words, the way he sounds. It’s the worst torture and the best thing he’s listened to all week.

_Hey, sweetheart, I guess if you’re listening to this then I’m not with you. I’m either missing or dead. I wish you weren’t listening to this, I wish I was making it and then destroying it without you even having to see it. But if you are listening to this I hope it brings you some sort of closure, cos if I know you, you’re destroying yourself right now. This isn’t your fault, please don’t blame yourself._

_Ben, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’ve broken my promise to come back to you. Please know, I’ll have been trying right to the very end to get home. To get to you. To get to Lexi and Lola and Jay, but mainly to you. Because my home is wherever you are._

_I don’t think you really know how much you mean to me. You told me on our first night together that I saw you. Well, you saw me too. You saw more than anyone ever had. You saw underneath that scared little boy who couldn’t even admit he was gay, who tried to hide behind jokes. You gave me the courage to find myself, to be proud of myself. You allowed me to be strong and believe in myself, and it was that faith that allowed me to come out. I’m proud to be gay. I’m proud you’re my boyfriend. And I want to thank you for being the first and the only one to truly see and believe that in me._

_You’ve made my life so happy, Ben, every single day I’ve spent with you has been incredible. You’re amazing. You deserve everything in the world and I’m just sorry I can’t be the one there to share it with you. Believe me, not your dad, you are wonderful. You’ve got so much love to give, and you deserve so much love in return._

_You do deserve love and to be loved so, so much, Ben, I don’t want you closing yourself off. I want you to move on. Not straight away, I know you too well, but in the future. Find someone who loves you for you. Just you, unconditionally. Because you’re everything and you have to be happy. All I ask is that you just remember me, because you’re the last thing I’m going to be thinking about._

_I love you. I’m crazy in love with you. I love you so much. Please remember that. You’re my world, my everything. I love you_.

On the video, Callum has stopped talking, looking upwards and suddenly Ben knows when this was filmed. Just before he’d left, Ben had come home to find his boyfriend unusually sober, his phone propped up on the table. Seeing their interaction from this angle makes his heart break. On the video, Callum’s face had changed, eyes full of love as he gazed upwards, and then Ben himself came into view, a besotted look on his face as he cupped Callum’s cheek and leant down, kissing the man on the sofa.

There’s tears running down Ben’s cheeks as he watches, knowing Callum’s left this on the end of the video purposely, to show Ben what they had between them. It’s like the dams broken, he’s sobbing, wailing, every single bit of pain that’s been building up over the last 10 days flooding out in the face of his boyfriends utter adoration of him. He knows Callum loves him but hearing those words makes him realise what he’s lost. He’s broken hearted.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been crying but when he comes back to himself, his chest and stomach are aching. He tenderly takes the memory stick out of the computer, puts it in his jacket pocket closest to his heart. He wipes over his face and leaves. He knows he must look a state, his eyes must be red, his face white, but that awful tension has gone. 

He drops into the Vic, finally able to face Mick after that message days ago. Mick’s behind the bar, Shirley and Linda too and they all look up as he comes in. Mick grabs hold of him, arms around his back and he submits to the hug, for Callum, for his love. He knows what he has to do, he looks at Mick, at Linda and asks quietly, “do you still want to do that party for Callum? To celebrate his life? I think that would be nice.”


	8. How long will I love you?  As long as stars are above you.

The last six months had been the happiest of Ben’s life. Somehow, he had managed to find a boyfriend who was ridiculously in love with him (Callum told him that all the time, after he’d said it the first time there was no stopping it), who loved his family and who his family adored. It became a point of teasing for Lola and Jay, they just could not believe that Ben Mitchell had actually settled down and wanted to be committed to someone. But Ben had and he could not imagine his life any other way. 

The biggest joy was how well Callum got on with Lexi. They had started spending lots of time together, taking her to the park, playing games together, watching movies and TV and Lexi adored it. Ben had asked her one day why she loved Callum so much and she’d looked at him strangely. “He talks to me,” she’d said and even though it was a simple thing, Ben had taken time afterwards to watch and it was so clear. Callum treated her like she was interesting, like he wanted to listen to her, to ask questions, like she was the most important thing in his life and Lexi thrived on it. It made his heart fill up and overflow.

So far, they’d only looked after Lexi together as a pair, Ben had been dreading the time Callum had her alone and realised Ben, a father, was too much hassle for him. He’d been trying to avoid that situation until the day he couldn’t anymore, when Lexi’s school had called him and said that the after school club she usually went to was cancelled that day and could someone pick her up at three? The biggest problem was there was no one free to pick her up. Ben was at the Arches, working on a car that just had to be finished before the owner picked it up that afternoon, Jay and Lola had gone away for a romantic break, his mum was working, it was pointless even considering asking Ian. So he’d taken a deep breath and called the only person he could think of who would be able to pick Lexi up.

“It’s fine, Ben,” Callum said when he’d rather breathlessly explained the problem. “I don’t mind at all, it’ll be fun actually. Shall I take her to yours or bring her to the flat?”

“Just let her do what she wants at mine, I can always clear up after her. I’ll call the school to let them know you’re picking her up,” Ben said, but after he’d hung up he spent the next few hours panicking. He adored Lexi but he knew what she could be like and exposing Callum to that was something he was scared of. He imagined what Lexi could be better saying or doing, how anxious and agitated Callum could be getting and it made him feel sick. He got the car finished and handed over and checked his phone, seeing no messages from anyone made him even more nervous. Maybe Callum couldn’t even bear to text him? Maybe Lexi had destroyed him so much he couldn’t even get to his phone. Maybe…. before Ben was even aware, he was walking faster and faster towards his house, mind racing at a million miles an hour.

When he got to the house, he almost fell through the kitchen door, intent on running into the living room or upstairs or wherever Callum was having to deal with his daughter but was abruptly brought up short by the sight in front of him. His mum was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, peering around the door and as he tumbled in, she spun her head around, glared at him and shushed him with a finger to her lips. Ben stopped dead in the middle of the kitchen utterly confused and looked around. The kitchen was spotless, plates and saucepans tidily stacked up on the draining board, a plate of the most sparkly pink and blue cupcakes that he knew hadn’t been there that morning in a proud place on the countertop. And his mum, looking around at him and into the living room, finger to her lips, gesturing for him to come closer. 

He was so unprepared for the sight that beheld him as he peered around the door with his mum, his words of reproach for being a bit stalkerish dying on his lips as he gazed into the living room. Callum and Lexi had commandeered what looked like every single pillow in the house and had made a fort in the centre of the room. The two of them were sitting right in the middle, backs to the kitchen, blissfully unaware of the two people watching them. Lexi was sitting on Callum’s lap, cuddled into him with her little arms wrapped around his neck, their faces close together, and they were reading her favourite book together. Callum was narrating it and they had split the characters up and were doing the voices for each one, giggling and pointing things out to each other as they did it. And when Callum turned the pages, Lexi was watching him like he had hung the moon and the stars in the sky, like he was the most special person in the world.

Ben’s heart felt like it was in his mouth, watching the two most important people in his life and how they were with each other. He looked over to his mum who had the softest smile on her face as she looked at him and at the scene before him but she said nothing. She didn’t have to. She’d been saying to Ben for years that he needed to find a nice boy to settle down with, to have a family with. Her thoughts on Callum were well known and Ben had to say, right now he agreed with her so much.

He backed away a little, made a show of making some noise to mark his entry into the house and then walked into the living room like it was the first time he’d entered the house. Both Callum and Lexi turned to look at him and both of them wore identical looks on their faces, like they were so pleased to see him. Lexi scrambled off Callum’s lap and with a shriek of “Daddy!” she flung herself on Ben for a hug. When he let her go after kissing her, she skipped back and sat herself back down in Callum’s lap and if that didn’t make Ben’s heart melt even more he was lying to himself. He sat down opposite them too, eyes raking over Callum’s face, surely unable to hide the thoughts he was having.

“How’s it been?” he asked, unsure who he was actually asking.

“Daddy, it’s been the most fun I’ve ever had!” Lexi cried, and Ben had to run a hand over her hair as his eyes crinkled into a smile at her excitement. “Callum and I made unicorn cupcakes, then we cooked dinner and I ate it all and helped tidy up and then we’ve read lots of stories and made a den and I told Callum all about what I did at school and who my friends are!”

“Unicorn cupcakes,” Ben said to Callum, eyebrows raised, knowing full well that although Callum had ingredients for baking at his flat, there was no way that extended to unicorn decorations and glitter and sparkle.

“A special day calls for special cupcakes,” Callum shrugged a little and Ben had to hold back from leaning in and kissing him senseless.

“You had fun then, baby?” he asked Lexi, who nodded vigorously and hugged Callum even harder.

Later, after Ben had bathed Lexi and was putting her to bed (she’d insisted that Callum came up for the story and having him stand in the doorway, listening, made Ben more nervous than he’d ever want to admit) she slid her arms around his neck as he kissed her goodnight and she whispered, “Daddy, I really like Callum. He’s so lovely, I’m so glad he’s your boyfriend,” and Ben felt his eyes fill with tears as he buried his face for a second in her blonde hair.

“You know what baby, I’m really glad too,” he whispered back to her.

Once her door was shut, he grabbed hold of Callum and pushed him back against the nearest surface, finally getting his mouth on his in a kiss that he hoped said everything he had been feeling for the last few hours. Callum gasped with surprise at the attack but responded with so much desire and passion that Ben was whimpering almost before the first kiss had ended, licking into his mouth, forgetting his mum and the rest of the family downstairs, forgetting they were still on the landing, just needing to be close.

When he broke the kiss, he leant his head against Callum, trying to regulate his breathing again, watching the smile blossoming across his boyfriends face in wonder.

“Thank you for letting me look after Lexi,” he whispered to Ben, biting his lip. “I didn’t know if I’d done the right things or not but I loved it, loved spending time with her.”

“Thank you for doing it, she had a great time and she was so happy. Callum, you’re amazing with her,” Ben breathed.

Callum shook his head, letting his fingers trail across Ben’s shoulders and into the fine hair at the nape of his neck. “If I’m amazing with her, that’s all because of you,” he said, and Ben could see the conviction in his eyes. “You’re incredible Ben, I don’t think you realise how amazing you are. You’ve raised a wonderful daughter, who adores and idolises you and that’s because you’re incredible.”

Ben listened to the words, his heart overflowing, unable to believe that someone loved him so unconditionally and thought so many wonderful things about him when he’d never been told anything like that by anyone in his life ever. He’d known it for ages now, how he felt about Callum, but he’d always been able to hide it, to push it down, to deny it because of what had happened to Paul and with his father in the past. But there was no way he could hide it now. The words came out, quiet and hoarse, before he even had time to process what he was saying. “I love you.”

They sat in the sudden silence between them and Ben felt self conscious, awkward, he could barely believe he’d uttered those three words and he dropped his eyes. Callum had said nothing, he couldn’t even bear to look up to see the expression in his face and he started to mumble, try to protect his heart. “I mean…”

He stopped as Callum slid two fingers under his chin and tilted his head so their eyes met. Callum’s own eyes were wide, tears standing in them, full of hope, awe, love and a small smile was starting to form over his almost shocked face. “I love you too,” he whispered between them and Ben had never believed or wanted anything more. With a gulp that was almost a groan, he reached out and crushed their lips together.

“I’ve wanted to say it for so long,” he admitted later when they were cocooned in bed, safe, wrapped in each other, fingers skating over sweat soaked skin. “I’ve been in love with you for so long.”

He knew that Callum had known, but hearing Ben say it made his eyes shine like stars, his face filled with so much joy that Ben fell a little harder for him each second. “I love you too, Ben,” he pressed into Ben’s neck. “So much.”

Once he’d said the words, it was so much easier to admit his feelings and be open about them and the way Callum reacted each time was so special. Ben was in love, in a committed relationship and he wanted nothing more for the first time in his life.

And then one day, Callum came to the car lot.

It was a normal day, Jay and Ben were working on how they were going to sell the red Volvo that had been hanging around for ages to an interested customer, starting off with serious suggestions but then getting more and more ridiculous as the day went on. Ben had a good feeling about this guy and how much an extra air freshener would encourage the deal to take place and he and Jay were giggling like fools as they planned their speeches when the door slammed open. Ben looked up, convinced it was the Volvo man, quip already on his lips, but it died immediately as he realised it was Callum and that he was distressed. Hair flat to his forehead, like he’d run fingers repeatedly through it, blue eyes wide and wild, face pale, he was so unlike Callum that Ben stopped still. Jay slid out from his desk, sent Ben a look tinged with worry. “I’ll wait outside and grab the guy there, do the deal by myself,” he said gently and as he left he touched Callum’s shoulder.

Callum still said nothing as the door shut behind Jay, just stared at Ben across the office and that unnerved Ben more than anything else. He stood up, gestured to his boyfriend with an outstretched hand. “Come ‘ere,” he pleaded, and as Callum approached, he pushed him to sit on the edge of his desk, legs slightly open and Ben moved so he was standing in between his thighs, as close as he could get. Now he was taller than Callum he cupped his head with soft fingers, stroking the short hair at the nape of his neck just as he liked it. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” he whispered.

Callum leant into his touch but still said nothing, closing his eyes briefly at the feeling of Ben’s fingers in his hair, and then he pushed a letter that Ben hadn’t even noticed he was holding towards him.

Ben took the letter inquisitively, keeping one hand comfortingly on the back of Callum’s head, and opened it. All it took was a glance at the header before he knew what was going on.

He dropped the letter and got both arms around his boyfriend's neck, pulling him impossibly close and with a gulp, Callum slid his own arms around his waist and pushed his face into Ben’s neck. The Army. It wasn’t like the letter was a surprise, they’d been expecting it for months now, since Callum had received the medical all clear on his leg, but every time nothing came they were lulled into another false sense of security. Ben had thought long and hard about this, the best way to handle Callum leaving. One plan had been to pretend he didn’t love him, that he’d only been a bit of fun, even though the lie would have torn Ben apart and probably Callum too, maybe a little hurt was better than a lot. But he’d discarded that plan as soon as he’d thought it, there would be no way he’d be able to pretend Callum was anything other than his soulmate and he couldn’t bear to hurt him. Now it was here, he still didn’t know how to react.

The only thing he knew was he had two questions, that kept on running around and around in his head. “Where?” he forced out.

“I don’t know, they won’t say until I get to the barracks,” Callum said, voice muffled in Ben’s neck as he tried to bury his head even deeper.

Ben breathed out for a second, he knew what that meant, a top secret deployment meant he was going into a hot zone. “When?” was the second thing he asked, pressing his own head against the top of Callum’s, keeping him so, so close.

“Next week,” Callum said. He shook in Ben’s arms, fluttering eyelashes against the skin on his throat. “Ben, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave you.”

Ben held him close, trying to blink back the tears in his eyes. They’d discussed this, once Callum had been given the all clear with his leg injury, what would happen when he was called back into the Army to finish off the 6 months that were left on his tour. Callum had plans for the future, wanting to train to be a paramedic or a counsellor once he’d finished in the Army. If he’d left, he’d be dishonorably discharged and that would mess up any plans he had and so they both knew he had to go, had to finish off before leaving at the end of the tour as normal. And Ben loved him so much he realised that this was about what was best for Callum, not what he wanted himself, and so he recognised he would have to be the voice of reason here. He pulled back from the hug, getting his hands on Callum’s neck, under his jaw, tilting his head backwards until he was looking down into pain filled ocean blue eyes. “I love you,” he said, starting with the most important thing, “I love you. It’s only six months. We can make do with emails and video calls and messages. Six months is nothing, darling, nothing. We’ll get through it.”

Callum rested the bridge of his nose against Ben’s chin, eyes fixed on him, nodding slowly. “Ok, ok, just six months, you’re right. But god, Ben, I’m going to miss you so much. I love you.”

“I love you,” Ben repeated and pressed a kiss to Callum’s temple, holding him close to hide how frightened he actually was.

The next week flew by, as normal when there was something horrible at the end of it. They started telling people straight away, Stuart took the news almost as badly as Ben had and there was an uncomfortable meeting in the Vic where they discussed what would happen when Callum was away in terms of contact with him and the Army. Ben had to give in when Stuart pointed out he was Callum’s next of kin, not Ben, and even though he disliked Stuart with a passion, knowing what was going on with Callum was more important to him. Callum never knew of that conversation, Ben wanted to keep it that way too and he had deliberately waited until his boyfriend was telling the Carters he had to leave until he’d spoken to Stuart. Callum hated what had gone on between Ben and Stuart as much as Ben did himself and if he knew what had been said and the agreement that they’d come to, he would have been upset or mad. And Ben did not want to upset Callum at all this week.

When he joined Callum at the bar, Mick was trying to persuade him to hold a going away party. Callum held out an arm to Ben and he snuggled straight into his side, hardman image be damned, as he replied to Mick. “No way, I don’t want a party, Mick, how embarrassing would that be? But maybe we can have a quiet few drinks over here the night before I go?”

So that had been decided and now there was only Ben’s family to tell. Kathy, Lola and Jay took it in their strides, worried about both Ben and Callum, but supporting them, knowing the best way to help was just to be there. Telling Lexi was another matter.

They had Lexi round for dinner one evening to the flat, Callum cooked her favourite meal, Ben got in her favourite dessert and they played games and watched Disney movies, everything that Lexi loved to do. About half way through the night she started to look a little suspicious, too much of Ben in her to be anything but sharp. And when Ben let her win at snakes and ladders for the third time, she sat and stared at him through narrowed eyes. “Daddy, what’s wrong,” she asked. “You never let me win at anything!”

Ben took a deep breath, pulled her onto his lap on the sofa and held out his arm for Callum to nestle into, the three of them cuddled as close as he could get them, his little family. “Baby,” he started, had to pause to swallow hard to push the lump back down his throat. “Baby, Callum…” 

He couldn’t get the words out, but Callum dropped a kiss to the side of his head and stroked his fingers through Lexi's blonde hair. “Lex, I have to go back to the Army,” he said.

Lexi grew stiff on Ben’s lap, he could feel her heartbeat rising as she reached out for Callum. “What? No, you can’t go!” she cried. “I don’t want you to go,” and before they could say anything more, she had dissolved into tears, hiding her face in Ben’s chest and grasping Callum’s arms around her.

Ben let her cry for a while, holding her close and keeping his other arm around Callum who was also fighting back tears, wondering just what she knew of the Army and what Callum would be doing. Eventually, he pulled her face upwards gently, wiped the tears off her cheeks and kissed her. “It’s OK,” he said. “It’s only six months, right, Callum?”

“Yeah,” Callum agreed, “six months will fly by, sweetie, it’s less time than Christmas is away.”

“And we can keep a track of how many days there are left if you like,” Ben offered. “You can help me, I’m going to miss him too.”

“OK,” Lexi sniffed, but she flung her arms fully around Callum’s neck and hugged him tightly. “Promise me you’ll be back, Callum, promise me.”

Callum let his hands rest on Lexi’s back, his eyes met Ben’s over her head as he struggled to keep his emotions at bay. He paused for what felt like ages, before dropping a kiss onto the crown of her head. “I promise I will always try my very best to get back to you and your Daddy,” he said.

Ben noticed the subtle difference in the wording but Lexi had been happy with that and they’d managed to calm her down and put her to bed. After they’d shut the door though, Ben pulled Callum into his arms fiercely. He’d told himself he wasn’t going to cry, wasn’t going to make things any harder for Callum than they already were but this pushed him to his very limits. “What you promised Lexi,” he started, and hated how broken his voice sounded.

Callum pushed his forehead to Ben’s, shut his eyes and breathed in an uneven breath. “I can’t promise her something I don’t know for sure, Ben. But I mean what I said. I will try, to the very end, to make sure I come home to you and to Lexi. I will never stop trying. I can promise that.”

The rest of the week was a bit of a blur for Ben. They spent as much time as possible together, Jay taking over some of the work at the Car Lot so Ben could stay away, Callum handing over his work at the funeral parlour to Stuart and Rainie. But there were times that Callum insisted on doing things by himself, not telling Ben where he was going or what he was doing. Ben didn’t want to press to find out what was going on but that didn’t stop him from worrying, from making up horrible scenarios in his head. There was one time when he came back from the Arches to the flat, to find an unusually sombre Callum sitting on the sofa. He’d stopped whatever he was doing, lifted his face for a kiss that Ben was unable to resist, and had made dinner like there was nothing wrong, but Ben had the distinct feeling he’d stumbled in on something important. But Callum didn’t mention it and Ben did not want to say anything this week to upset either of them, so he let it go.

They’d agreed that the last night they’d go to the Vic with the people Callum wanted to say goodbye to, then spend it at the Beale’s house together. Then Callum would go to his flat in the morning to say goodbye to Stuart and Rainie and leave from there. Ben did not want to have a public goodbye, what he wanted to say to Callum would be better behind closed doors, and Callum had agreed to his wishes, even if it was a little reluctantly. So the night before found them sitting at a table in the Vic, with Jay, Lola, Lexi and a small handful of others, having drinks for free from Mick, who hugged Callum tightly whenever he got close enough for contact. 

It was nice, Ben had to admit, but he was craving a more personal chance to say goodbye to Callum and it was hard to keep himself from pouncing on his boyfriend and dragging him home when this was his night and he obviously wanted to say goodbye to his friends. So he made sure he spent time at the bar, watching Callum at the table, but so far away he wasn’t tempted to touch, chatting to Mick about beer and musicals and anything, even the things he hated, just to keep himself occupied.

It lasted until Callum himself swanned over to the bar, draped himself over Ben’s shoulders and whispered hopefully into his ear, “one last quickie in the loos then home?” And Ben was gone, swept into the toilets where they gave each other quick hand jobs pressed into a stall, moans muffled into each other shoulders, before making a dignified exit from the pub, although Ben was sure Mick, Jay and Lola at least knew exactly what they were up to.

He took Callum to bed the minute they were back at the house, stripping each other with trembling fingers and then they made love all night, endless switching and kissing in the star lit room. Ben stored each and every one of these precious memories safe in his mind, the way Callum looked underneath him as he pressed into his body gently, the way he felt when he thrust slowly and deeply into Ben, the way his lips burnt every single place they touched on his body and finally, the way his body arched and melted as he came. It was never ending that night, neither man wanting to let the other go, catching snippets of naps in between more periods of worship and adoration. But Ben made sure the last time, as the morning sun started to peak through the windows, bathing the room in soft golden light, was when he was inside Callum, slowly but surely building them both up to a last final orgasm. Thrusts slow and languid, making sure he hit the right angle inside Callum, hands grasping each other, lips murmuring words of love into each other’s skin, he would always remember the sight of Callum, gilded on his bedsheets, eyes full of love and desire as he clenched around Ben and they came at the same time. He had never loved anyone more than this man.

He refused to pull out, resting inside Callum whilst they kissed and kissed and kissed, lips sore and swollen but unable to stop, until he had no choice but to pull away, knowing Callum had to go, had to leave to be ready for when he was being picked up.

Watching his family, even Ian, saying goodbye to Callum was hard enough, seeing Lexi do it was horrible but the worst bit was when he was standing in front of the man himself. Everyone else had subtlety made themselves scarce, so it was just the two of them. Ben had tried so hard over the last week to hide his feelings from Callum, but standing in the kitchen, knowing this was it, the last time they’d see each other for six months, everything came rushing to the surface. Callum leant forward and brushed the tears off his cheeks with gentle fingertips, saying nothing as he cradled Ben’s head in his hands. And Ben just threw himself into his chest, clutching handfuls of his T-shirt, burying his head in the nook of his shoulder and breathing him in.

There was nothing to say, nothing else to do but hold him so tight, let all his feelings and emotions out in the press of lips to neck, the touch of fingers across his back, the heat of breath across his cheek. Callum finally pulled back, smiled gently at Ben as he touched his fingers to his lips. “I’ll see you in six months,” he said.

“You’d better,” Ben replied and stood on his tiptoes for one last kiss.

And then Callum turned and was gone, pausing by the gate for one last look back. Ben stood and watched until he could no longer see him across the square.

The car was picking him up at 10 o'clock. It had been ingrained in Ben’s brain for the entire week and as it drew nearer and nearer he found himself sitting in the lounge watching the clock with stuttered breath and wet eyes that he tried to hide from everyone else in the room. In the end it was Lexi that changed his mind. She had been sitting with Lola, pretending to watch some tv show but Ben had seen she was staring at him instead. Just before 10, she came and stood in front of him. “Why aren’t we saying goodbye to Callum?” she huffed at him.

“We did,” Ben said.

“I want to see him again before he goes, don’t you Daddy?” she asked, her little lower lip quivering.

And Ben realised he did, public goodbyes go hang, because how could he let Callum go without being there with him?

“You’ve still got time,” Lola said gently and before he could even think, he’d grabbed Lexi's hand and they were running out of the door and sprinting across the square towards the flat. He picked Lexi up to go faster and as he drew closer he could see the big black car pulled up outside the flat, but no sign of Callum.

“Callum!” he shouted, as loud as he could, although across the noise of the square he doubted whether anyone would hear him, was he too late?

But a tall figure pulled away from the side of the car, turning around to face him, wide smile breaking over his face as he saw Ben and Lexi hurtling towards him. Ben put Lexi down and let her run to him first, Callum bending down to her level and letting her throw her arms around his neck, kiss him, whisper something in his ear. Then he’d let her go, and Rainie had moved forwards and was holding her, keeping her safe as Ben approached Callum. “I couldn’t stay away,” he admitted.

“I’m glad, I wanted you here,” Callum said and he held his arms open and Ben crashed into them, pulling him impossibly close as they held each other tightly. 

Ben let his forehead rest against Callum’s, “I love you,” he said, noticing the way Callum’s eyes sparkled with the words, the way his face lit up.

“I love you,” he said back into the small space between them and then they were kissing, clinging to each other, holding on like this was the only thing in the world that mattered.

“You’d better text me the minute you get sorted. And I’ll be expecting video calls every week,” Ben said in between kisses.

“You can write me a love letter,” Callum suggested, laughing at the look on Ben’s face.

“Or I can send you some photos,” Ben suggested instead, wriggling his eyebrows and causing Callum to laugh again. He took a deep breath, held Callum even closer and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. “Just keep yourself safe and come home to me, please.”

“Yeah,” Callum nodded, not saying anything more for which Ben was so thankful for, he knew it but today he couldn’t hear it, “yeah, I will. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” 

And with one last kiss, he had to go, releasing Ben and getting into the car, and all Ben could do was hold his daughter and both of them waved until they could no longer see it. Six months. It was nothing. He could do it. And then Callum would be home for good


	9. I’m not giving up

**2020**

  
It’s been two weeks since they told Ben Callum was missing in action and today is his party at the Vic. Ben refuses to call it anything else, even though he knows others are calling it a memorial. He’s started to try to come to terms with what’s gone on, following the video message Callum left him, but it’s one thing to say it to himself and another to admit it out loud. He knows Callum would be trying to get back to him if he could and the longer this goes on the less likely that becomes. He wants to remember the Callum in that video, the words he said about Ben, the unconditional love that he always offered, the way he looked at Ben. And Ben wants to remember the way he looked at Callum, like he was the centre of the universe. He still is, he always will be, but there’s an acceptance that it may never be what he wants it to be again.

It hurts, he wakes in the night gasping with the hole in his chest, he’ll be walking around the square, thinking of something that he’s seen and then realise Callum’s not there to tell. He’ll cook pasta for an extra person without thinking. It’s the little things, the things he wasn’t even aware he was doing, that cut him the deepest. It’s the way they’d sleep, wrapped up in each other, the way they’d look at each other over the table when Ian’s going off on one, the snuggles on the sofa whilst watching a movie. The way Callum would hold his face as he kissed him, the way he’d always make sure Ben had a cute smile on his egg in the morning, the way he’d treat Lexi like she was his own. He misses him everyday.

Ben gets over to the Vic early, wants to make sure everything is perfect. Mick and Linda have made things so nice it tugs at his heart, makes him remember he’s not the only one to have lost Callum. There’s food, amongst the plates on the table there’s a big bowl of chicken pasta that makes Ben want to laugh as he remembers what it means to them - Linda has no idea, just that it was Callum’s favourite food and so she’s got it for him. They’ve put pictures of Callum around, nothing big or flashy, but ones of him when he first came to the square, in his beanie hat, in his army uniform. He looks at the ones from years ago, Callum was cute even though he was a bit of a geek, bowl cut peeking out from under his hat, eyes wide and innocent. He avoids all the recent ones they’ve put out, the ones that show how much Callum’s grown, the ones that have him in there too. He looks at photos on his own, he’s watched that video almost on repeat since he first saw it, but it’s ok when he’s by himself and it doesn’t matter if there’s no one else there to witness him fall apart. Here, in public, he can’t do it.

Mick gives him a pat on the back and a bottle of beer, waves away the money Ben offers. He doesn’t say anything though, just allows him to sit at the bar quietly and stands nearby, his presence welcoming and warm but not suffocating. Ben appreciates that more than he thought he would. He knows Mick loves Callum like a son, this is tearing him apart too. They share this now.

The pub fills up quickly, with people Ben knows and a lot that he’s never seen before but all of whom Callum managed to touch in his life. He’s not surprised, Callum always was a ray of sunshine, people loved him. It’s nice that they’ve all come to celebrate him. Everyone he knows from the square is there, friends, colleagues, people who Callum would stop in the street to say hello to and have a little chat with. His family are there, sitting opposite the bar, Lexi in a sparkly dress, Lola and Jay, Kathy, Bobby, even Ian. And his dad is there, sitting by the door, face set as he looks over at Ben at the bar.

In fact, there’s only two people missing and they’re the two people that should be here. Mick’s noticed it too, he leans over the bar to Ben. “Where’s Stuart?” he asks.

Ben shrugs, “I dunno, he said he’d be here. I’ll text him if you like?”

“Cheers, Ben,” Mick pats his arm then moves away to serve someone else. Ben fumbles for his phone, it’s in his jacket pocket which is folded on the bar. When he gets it out his heart drops into his boots. He’s got three missed calls off Rainie, four from Charlotte and five off Stuart and a text message all in capital letters CALL ME NOW. His heart starts to race. There’s only one reason he’s been called that many times, they’ve found a body. Callum’s dead. He can’t…. not today, not when everyone’s here to celebrate Callum, not when he’s in such a public place. His chest is splitting open, all the pain and horror and sadness he’s tried to push down trying to claw their way out in one fell swoop. He can’t breathe. He can’t hear those words. He can’t…. he can’t….

He stumbles out of the pub, clutching his phone and finds himself a wall he can prop himself up against, almost bent double trying to breathe. His legs are like sticks of spaghetti, his stomach churning, his sight blurred as he blinks back tears. He holds his phone, trying to pluck up the courage to call Stuart back and he can’t do it, can’t make himself push the button.

A taxi pulls up opposite him, and it gives him a distraction, allows him to not make the call when there’s someone within hearing distance of him because he can’t let anyone else see him when he completely falls to pieces. He watches through a film of tears. Then he straightens a little when Rainie gets out of the front and Stuart climbs out the back. If he’s here, at least he can tell Ben in person, rather than over the phone where it would be colder, even though this is a conversation that's probably worse face to face.

But Stuart is turning around, leaning into the back where he’s just stepped out of and Rainie has moved around so she can grab whatever it is Stuart is pulling out of the cab and Ben straightens up even more, cranes to see what is being pulled out of the taxi. 

  
Not what, he realises suddenly, who.

It’s like a blow to the chest, he’s suddenly breathing again, standing up straight and he can’t believe his eyes. Callum. Callum. Callum. He’s there, standing up between Stuart and Rainie, pale, thin, holding a side cautiously, holding onto them for support. Callum. Callum. Callum. He doesn’t understand, how can he be here? He’s alive, he’s come home. Callum. Is he all right? What’s happened to him? And why the hell is he himself just standing still, why isn’t he...

Ben steps forward in a daze. He’s dreaming, he must be dreaming, this is like every nightmare he’s had. There’s a noise, he doesn’t know where from, a loud crack from by his feet and the trio turn around and stare at him. Callum’s head jerks up, his eyes go wide and his cheeks go pink and he’s looking at Ben the way he looked at him in the video message and Ben’s finally moving, running over the road, cars be damned, he wouldn’t stop even if one was coming. Callum pushes away from Stuart and Rainie, but Ben’s faster, standing in front of him in seconds, in the middle of the street, eyes raking over his face, his name repeating through his head on a loop.

“Where are you hurt?” he pants as he shudders to a stop in front of him, Callum’s eyes so blue as he tries to gauge where he’s injured. “Callum…. I can't hurt you, Callum...”

“My arm, my leg, my side, Ben, I don't care, just please...” Callum gasps and Ben takes that final step forwards and throws his arms around Callum, and he’s real, he’s here, he’s alive.

Callum’s arms come up, even as he winces, he’s holding on so tight to Ben like he’s the only lifeline he needs. Ben’s squeezing him, face pressed into the joint between his shoulder and neck, one hand moves so he’s stroking the back of Callum's head, fingers moving through the short strands of hair at the nape of his neck. Callum’s trembling, Ben is shaking and it’s like the earth's stopped spinning, like they’re the only two people in the entire world. Callum’s breathing hitches, he’s gasping for air and Ben straightens up, guides Callum’s head into the nook of his shoulder, presses a shaky kiss to his hairline. He keeps his face there, breathing him in, letting the tears flow down his cheeks to match the ones Callum’s pressing into his neck. He never wants to stop holding him. There’s so much he wants to ask, wants to say but not now. Now, all he says is “Callum,” breathes it into his hair, his voice raw and broken, it comes out more like a sob than anything else and Callum shudders in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers into Ben’s shoulder, his neck. “I’m so sorry. Oh Ben, Ben.”

Ben pulls back, gets his forehead against Callum’s. “You don’t need to apologise,” he manages to whisper between their lips, tears still running down his cheeks, he can’t stop the sobs from escaping his mouth. 

Callum lets his fingers brush the tears away and it’s like electric shocks on his face from the simplest of touches. “Ben, darling, please don’t cry, it’s ok, I’m ok,” he says, and he’s called Ben a pet name, he doesn’t do that often and it’s like it’s opened a dam in Ben’s mind.

“I didn’t know if you’d make it back,” he admits, “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” Callum pushes it into the sliver of space between them. “I love you so much.”

“I love you,” Ben tells him, has never meant anything so much in his life and then he tilts his head and finally kisses him. It’s only gentle, trembling lips touching trembling lips, wet from both of their tears but this is Callum, Callum’s lips on his, Callum who's in his arms and it’s the most perfect kiss in the world. Ben fits Callum’s bottom lip between his and just sucks gently, swallowing Callum’s whimper into his mouth, pulling him in as close as he can, noticing the thinness under his hands as he sweeps them down his sides under his jacket. He leans back, looks at his boyfriend, all red rimmed eyes, pale cheeks still flushed pink and pulls him in for one, two, three more kisses. It’s heavenly. It’s perfect. It’s Callum, here, in his arms, safe.

When he pulls away finally, he rests his cheek next to Callum’s, unwilling to let him go even for a second. Callum’s hands skim over his back, the left one, the one he’s hurt, keeps low down on his waist, the other comes up to his shoulders and he hugs him tight. “Ben,” he whispers again, turns his head so his lips just brush Ben’s cheek as he says it. “Ben.”

Ben knows he must be in pain, it was only 2 weeks ago that he was in a truck that was bombed into pieces, he can’t not be injured. He relaxes his hold slightly and leans back so he can properly sweep his eyes over Callum’s face, noticing the bruises on the left side of his head, the large one that’s just sweeping up from out of the collar of his t-shirt, dark and painful, the cuts that are starting to heal, how he’s favouring the right side of his body, the fine tremor that’s coursing through his limbs. “You wanna go home?” he asks gently.

Callum smiles, and it's like the sun has come up, chasing away all the darkness and cobwebs of the last 2 weeks of hell. “Nah, not yet, I hear you’re throwing me a party,” he says and Ben laughs, kisses the smile off Callum’s lips.

“Fine,” he says. “I guess it’s a better offer than me, anyway.”

“Never,” Callum vows and pulls him back in for another kiss.

They eventually move towards the Vic, but to do that Ben has to let Callum go and it’s the worst thing he’s had to do, he doesn’t want him anywhere but close. Callum gives a gasp as he releases him from his arms and then reaches out with his right hand, interlocking their fingers immediately. Ben needs that point of contact, the feeling of the soft skin of his hand, the squeeze of his fingers in between Ben’s own and he rubs the back of Callum’s knuckles with his thumb. Stuart and Rainie have given them some space, for which Ben is so thankful for, but as they draw near, he greets Stuart with a nod of his head and a small smile, which Stuart returns. They’re both still in agreement about this, that Callum is the only thing that matters at the moment in time, and the fact that he’s here, that neither of them gave up on him, is a sweet reward for both of them. “You didn’t pick up your phone,” Stuart says as he gets closer, rests his hand on Callum’s right arm like he also can’t believe he’s here.

“I thought….” Ben starts, trails off at the lump that’s in his throat as he remembers the awful thoughts he’d had whilst standing outside the Vic. Callum says nothing, but squeezes his hand tightly, holding on so tight.

Rainie hands him over his phone and for a second he’s startled before remembering that he’d come outside holding it, being scared to call Stuart to hear the news he was sure that was coming. When it had all changed, when he’d seen Callum and just reacted to it, he’d still been holding his phone. He realises that he must have dropped it, it hadn’t been in his hands when he had reached Callum, and the screen is cracked to bits. But somehow it doesn't bother him. Why should it, when the most perfect thing in the world is happening to him instead?

Callum doesn’t let Stuart or Rainie help him to the Vic, but he keeps hold of Ben’s hand, fingers entwined, like he needs the contact as much as Ben needs it. They walk to the Vic and Stuart pushes the door open, he and Rainie walk in and then Ben follows, leading Callum in.

The response is immediate as everyone catches sight of the four of them, absolute silence, so much that you can hear a pin drop. There’s no chatter, just the sounds of gasps in the air. Mick’s frozen at the bar, he’s pouring a pint for someone but it’s overflowing and he’s making no move to stop it, staring over at the door. Linda gasps, hands gripping the bar. Jay’s half out of his seat, his mouth dropping open. Lola’s got her hand up to her mouth in shock, both her and Kathy are crying. It’s like everything, everyone has frozen in time. Ben feels the shaking in Callum’s hand intensify under the scrutiny. He probably doesn’t realise that everyone here has seen the exploding truck, everyone here apart from Ben and Stuart didn’t think he’d be able to survive it.

It’s Lexi that breaks the stillness, unsurprisingly really, because she’s his daughter and she adores Callum almost as much as he does. She scrambles off the seat next to Lola and stands next to the table. “Daddy Callum!” she cries, it’s more like a scream, cuts Ben to the bone as he realises how much this has affected her, how much she has missed Callum, how this must have made her feel, all there in the sound of her voice. “Daddy Callum!” and then she’s running across the pub, her mane of blonde hair streaming around her, stumbling in her eagerness to get to him. Ben realises two things at the same time as each other - one, that Callum’s never heard Lexi call him that and he knows how much she means to him and hearing her call to him in this manner must be breaking his heart and two, that Callum is injured, even if he’s hiding it, and that Lexi isn’t going to stop throwing herself at him. She may be slight, but she still weighs more than he’s willing to bet Callum can withstand at this moment in time. Luckily, Phil slides over along the sofa seat he’s on and Ben pushes Callum down so at least he’s sitting. Callum doesn’t let go of his hand, won’t let go of his hand and Ben doesn't want to let go either, so they’re still clutching at each other when Lexi flings herself onto Callum. Ben notices the flinch, feels the sharp intake of breath and the tightening of the fingers intertwined through his own but Callum’s shaking his head, mouthing that he’s fine. Lexi’s on his lap, her legs curled around his thighs as she clings to him, her head buried in Callum’s chest and her little arms tight around his neck as she sobs loudly. The only arm Callum has free is his bad arm but he tries to wrap it around her too, eyes full of emotion as he tries to comfort her. Ben leans forward, puts his hand on his daughters back too and for a second it’s just the three of them, his family, the family he’s chosen and he’s blinking back tears too.

It calms down a little, later on, once everyone in the pub seems to have come over to speak to Callum. Some of them have asked some stupid questions, making both Ben and Stuart glare protectively and eventually they stop coming at the sight of the pair of them. Mick’s brought over drinks, on the house, giving Callum a lingering hug as he did so. Now, they’re all sitting close around the one table, once Phil had left, Stuart sat to one side of Callum and someone pushed Ben down as well and he’s moved closer so he’s pressed against Callum’s side. They’re still holding hands, resting on Callum’s thigh so Ben can alternatively stroke the back of his hand and the inside of his leg. Lexi’s still on his lap, calmer now but still snuggled in close, not willing to remove her arms from his neck. Lola, Jay, Kathy , Bobby, they’ve all moved over, creating a barrier to stop idiots from causing Callum distress, all the people who love him closing the barricades around them. Callum’s been doing so well, but now Ben can feel the trembling starting again, feel him leaning more and more into Ben’s side as he droops on the seat. Ben brings his other hand round, strokes Callum’s cheek to get his attention and then leans close. “Are you ready to go home?” he asks quietly.

Callum nods, his lashes dark as they fan on his pale cheeks. “Yes, please,” he says so softly Ben almost can’t hear him.

“Where’d you want to go?”

“My flat, please. Ben. Please, will you stay with me?”

Ben brushes his lips over Callum’s cheek. “Yeah, of course,” he breathes. “You’re not going to get rid of me for weeks! You’ll be sick of me soon.”

“I doubt that!” Callum smiles but it’s clear it’s too much for him now, in the way he’s sitting, the sheen of pain in his eyes, the set of his jaw.

Ben lets his fingers stroke along his cheek to his hairline, soft, gentle. “I just need to get my jacket, OK?”

He realises he has to let go of Callum’s hand to move and he’s so reluctant to do it but he has no choice. Whilst he’s at the bar, he almost can’t believe what’s gone on without the grounding presence of Callum’s hand in his, has to keep turning to keep an eye on the table to check he’s there. His family and the Carters are taking this chance to say goodbye to him, but he keeps on looking over to Ben, blue eyes meeting blue, unable to stop. Ben wonders if it will ever stop, this almost feral need to be touching his boyfriend for reassurance. Stuart’s come over to him as well. “Me and Rainie’ll spend the night elsewhere,” he tells Ben. “Let the two of you have some time alone. I think he needs it, we just need to grab a bag first.”

“Thanks,” Ben says, means it from the bottom of his heart, he needs it too, just him and Callum, no one to disturb them.

When he gets back to the table there’s some disturbance, Lexi doesn’t want to let Callum go and Lola’s trying to reason with her. Ben drops to his knees, pushes his daughters hair out of her face. “What’s up, baby?” he asks.

She leans closer to him, eyes wide and scared. “What if he’s not here tomorrow?” 

Ben breathes hard, kisses her forehead. “He will be. I’ll keep him safe, I promise. And you can come round tomorrow and see for yourself, OK?”

She’s not 100% convinced, but she lets him stand up, lets Lola pick her up. Lola hugs him, quick, hard, kisses his cheek. “I’m so happy for you,” she whispers into his ear.

It’s only Jay that he allows to see his vulnerable side, the real fear he has that this is not real, because Jay is his brother and knows that side of him already. Jay hugs him for a second, tight and Ben can’t help but whisper, “pinch me. I’m dreaming, right?”

Jay leans back, gets his hands either side of Ben’s face and shakes his head. “It’s real, Ben, he’s here, he’s back. You’re not dreaming, I promise you.” And he pinches Ben’s cheek quickly to prove it.

They’re finally ready to leave and the first thing Callum does as he gingerly stands up is reach for Ben’s hand again. Ben holds on tight, lump in his throat. It’s just hand holding, there’s no reason why it should mean so much, but it’s so intimate, the way Callum has to touch him, the way he needs to be touching Callum in return. They make their way slowly over the square to the flat, still holding hands and climbing the stairs almost wipes Callum out, he’s breathing heavily by the time Stuart and Ben have helped him to sit on the sofa. Stuart and Rainie pack a bag up quickly, kiss Callum goodbye and then it’s just them in the flat, sunlight still shining through the windows. Callum leans his head back against the sofa, eyes shut, lashes so dark against his cheeks and Ben lets his fingers stroke the skin on his wrists. “I’m gonna make you a cup of tea, baby,” he says. “What do you need?”

“The loo,” Callum grimaces. “A wash to get all this grime from me. Then bed. You, if that’s all right?”

Ben presses a kiss to his wrist, lets him go. Callum makes his way gingerly to the bathroom, shutting the door and Ben turns to the kitchen. He’s waiting for the kettle to boil, eyes turning automatically to the bathroom where he’s craning to hear any sound. Now he can’t see Callum he’s starting to panic a bit, this is where he’ll wake up right? The thing is this has been so real that he just knows finding out it’s a dream is going to tear him to pieces.

But the door does creak open and Callum is there, he looks so beautiful framed in the doorway smiling at Ben that his heart is singing with happiness. He makes Callum sit on the sofa and drink the tea, he’s made Callum’s with lots of sugars because he’s so white and pale and thin and it’s the only thing Ben can think of to do to help, and then he takes Callum’s hand again, leads him into the bedroom. It’s been a while since he’s been here but it’s all so familiar, flowery wallpaper comforting him. He pulls out Callum’s favourite pajama top from his chest of drawers, grabs one for him too, and then stands in front of his boyfriend. He wants to know and doesn’t want to know what happened at the same time. There’s a part of him that knows that he’ll be so angry at what’s been done to Callum that he’s likely to say or do things and he wants tonight to be about them, not his anger. For now, he slides his arms back around Callum and kisses him. This kiss is deeper, a brief glide of tongue against Callum’s lips has him gasping, opening his mouth to Ben and their tongues touch, just brushing lightly as they kiss. Ben’s head is spinning, trying to keep things gentle because Callum’s hurt and he’s only just come back. But Callum has different ideas, sliding his hand down over Ben’s arse, pulling him in close. It’s difficult to stop, but Ben breaks the kiss, already panting. He slides his fingers under the T-shirt Callum is wearing. “Can I?” he asks, trying to keep his head together and just get him ready for sleep.

Callum nods and together they work to get him out of the top, made difficult by the fact that Callum is obviously shattered, on his last legs, and that he can’t really raise his left arm. But they manage it eventually and for the first time Ben can see the full extent of his injuries.

He’s already aware of the cuts and bruises on his face, the bruise he spotted at his collar is massive, extending all the way down his chest, his ribs, his stomach, his side and around his back. His left arm is burnt, a long strip all down his arm. Ben swallows hard, looks up at Callum to check he can touch and when his boyfriend nods he gets his fingertips on his chest, sweeping them gently over the injuries. Callum winces but allows him to do it, drops his head onto Ben’s shoulder as he moves closer. They stand there for a second, just breathing each other in. Ben lets one of his hands stroke up Callum’s spine, to the back of his head where there’s another obvious bump and just takes deep breaths. He knows he almost lost him.

They get Callum’s jeans off next, a large bandage on his thigh, extending down to his knee. Ben’s scared to ask where it's from, not sure he wants to know, seeing everything is making it all too real but he's here, he's in one piece even if it's battered and he's trying to be positive. Callum lets his fingers linger at the hem of Ben’s shirt, asking silently if he can take it off and they manage it together, Callum one handedly pulling at it over his head whilst his other hand snakes around his waist the moment it’s free. And then they’re hugging again and its skin on skin and Ben just falls to pieces.

He’s vaguely aware of Callum pulling them onto the bed, he’s got his arms around Ben as much as possible, lying on his back and Ben’s clinging to him, all the pain, loss, sorrow, relief just pouring out of him in massive waves. Callum’s murmuring words to him, face pressed into Ben’s hair as he just sobs into the chest below him. When he comes back to himself, they’re as close as two people can be, legs entwined, clinging to each other and Callum’s face is wet too as he kisses Ben softly. “I know, I know,” he whispers.

“I saw the video,” Ben says, not actually sure which one he’s referring to and Callum draws in a big gasping breath.

“I didn’t want you to see it like that,” he says, “I just thought that if something happened to me you should know how I feel about you. How much I love you. I know you don’t feel like you deserve it, but I’ve never wanted anyone else and I never will. You gave me so much Ben and I wanted you to….” his voice breaks and Ben soothes him with gentle touches and lips pressed to the skin below him. 

“It’s OK, I needed it, it hurt like hell, babe, knowing you’d left that thinking you may die, but god, I missed you so much and it was…” Ben doesn’t know what to say, how to encapsulate his feelings in mere words, so all he can do is admit it. “I love you too. I’m stupid in love with you. I’m only ever gonna want you too.”

They’re kissing again, and this time soft and gentle turns to needy, wanting and he can feel Callum hard against him in his boxers. He doesn’t want to hurt him, pulls back to see and Callum grabs him, pulls him back into a searing kiss. “Please Ben, I need you. I missed you, I missed this. Please….”

Ben can’t say no to him, doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to say no again when it’s something he wants so badly too and before he’s really aware, he’s shimmying out of his jeans and hooking his fingers into Callum’s boxers and then they’re both naked, pressed against each other from toe to chest and the heat is steadily building between them as they kiss and kiss and kiss. 

Callum’s cock is hard against his and he’s making little breathy moans as Ben rocks his hips down and it’s almost too much. He could get them both off like this, it’s not going to take much to be honest, but he reaches down, takes them both in hand and the noise Callum makes is worth the awkward angle and achy wrist. Their cocks are pressed together in his hand, from root to tip, hot steel wrapped in velvet and he jacks them off together, letting the moans trip off his tongue too. It’s enough when Callum reaches down too, wraps his hand around Ben’s to help, and Ben tilts his head and opens his eyes and Callum’s looking up at him and he’s coming, hard, strips of come covering both of their hands. He keeps eye contact, twists his wrist and watches as Callum’s mouth drops open prettily as his orgasm hits, Ben’s name punched out of him as he convulses in Ben’s hand. 

After they’ve come down and he’s kissed Callum some more and he’s breathing less erratically , Ben reaches down and finds his T-shirt to clean them off and then cuddles straight back into Callum’s chest. He lets his fingers trail over the bruise, presses his lips against his heart. “I saw another video too,” he says eventually, he thinks Callum should know that everyone’s seen it. “Of the van, the moment they hit it.”

Callum lets his fingers scratch through Ben’s hair, he’s obviously thinking of how to respond. “I know. They told me it had been released.”

“Everyone thought you’d died.”

Callum huffs, “I thought… I don't remember it you know. The bomb. Just a flash and then nothing. And then when I did wake up I was in so much pain I didn’t even know who I was. Some locals took me in, saved my life, but they had no real medicine and no way of contacting the Army so they had to wait for the next patrol to come round. Then I got flown back straight away. I had no chance to call you or anything.”

“Stuart tried to ring,” Ben admits. “But I didn’t hear his calls.”

“I know, he said he’d called you,” Callum says and places a soft kiss to his cheek. He pauses for a second. “I’ve finished with them now, they told me on the flight. I don’t have to go back.”

“Good,” Ben says, “I wouldn’t let you anyway, I’d fight them to keep you here.”

Callum laughs softly and they lay there for a while, Callum’s still carding his fingers through Ben’s hair and he’s got his cheek pressed against his heart, listening to the steady reassuring beat. Eventually Callum takes a deep breath, “Ben?” he asks.

“Mmm?” Ben is half asleep when he speaks, but lifts his head up slightly to find Callum worrying at his bottom lip.

“They called Stuart on the flight, cos I named him as my next of kin,” he says, slowly.

Ben’s not sure what’s going on in his head but he takes the more normal Ben route in his answer. “Yeah I know, he had to come round to tell me everything,” he jokes. “Thought I’d deck him surely at some point.”

Callum rolls his eyes fondly. “I was thinking… I know I’m not going back there, but in case something happens again, I’d like you to be my next of kin, if you want to?”

Ben feels his breath stutter in his chest, he knows what would have to happen for them to be next of kin for each other. “Are you asking me to marry you, Callum Highway?” he asks.

Callum’s face falls slightly, he’s unsure all of a sudden. “Maybe? I mean… I don’t want…”

Ben interrupts him, his heart is soaring and he’s smiling. “Yes,” he breathes, “yes, I do want to marry you,” and sees the smile on Callum's mouth, the stars in his eyes before he crushes their lips together.

It’s dark when he wakes up and Ben’s in that place between dreaming and waking where nothing’s quite real, when he remembers he’s been having the most lovely dream. Callum was here, injured but in one piece, they’d been together. It had been perfect. But it was a dream and he knows he’s going to wake up and be destroyed and he can feel the tears starting to run down his cheeks because Callum….

And then there’s that lurch into consciousness and Ben is suddenly startled to find his pillow isn’t soft and he’s surrounded by a warm body, cuddled into someone so close, so tight. He raises his head and realises…. it wasn’t a dream. Callum is here, he’s sleeping in the bed next to Ben, he’s alive. Ben places a kiss against his collarbone, shifts even closer as Callum snores lightly, and he’s so happy he hides his face in Callum’s neck and lets a few tears fall. They’ve got the rest of their lives to spend in each other's arms and he falls back to sleep knowing that he is finally home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s cheesy but I couldn’t help it, I thought they needed something nice to end on!
> 
> The title and 2020 chapters are all lyrics from Don’t Give Up on Me - the acoustic version by Amber Leigh Irish is beautiful and sums up Ben and Callum perfectly in my eyes  
> The other chapters titles are from Enchanted by Taylor Swift, Proud by Heather Small, Love is Fire by Freya Ridings and How Long Will I Love You by Ellie Goulding. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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